Talk up Spouse

I have learnt that if you say or do positive things, positive things will return to you. To be happily engaged in a relationship there are a few things I realize that needs to be said to your spouse on a regular basis. Every day for that matter is an excellent move. Below are my top five things to say daily.

I love you

Everybody loves hearing these three simple yet very direct and powerful words. Say it with meaning, not for just saying it sake. Many believe the lie that your spouse doesn’t need to hear this, because your spouse already knows. This is not true!! Still say it, a very pleasant reminder it is.

I am so blessed to have married you!

This one sure does touch your spouse heartstrings. Let him or her know how blessed you are to be afforded the opportunity to spend the rest of your life with the one you love.

You are so handsome/beautiful

Couples that stay happily married are genuinely attracted to each other. This attraction is both physically and psychologically. When you tell your partner how attractive they are it’s a great statement of love. For me, I prefer to hear it from my husband than others.  

Seek Opinions

This demonstrates to your spouse you value his/her opinion. In life your second most trusted advisor is your spouse, God is first. Seeking the opinion of your spouse about problems shows your acknowledging their wisdom and in turn builds a bond between the couple. Well at least this is what I believe.

Point out your Spouse Strengths

I am famous for these words “oh honey you can cook for me any day!” ensure though you are pointing out a true strength. Each day try to find a new strength of your spouse to highlight.

Start these habits ASAP! These little things matters greatly in a marriage. 

Pornography in Marriage

As a wife, if I should discover that my husband is watching porn I would be disappointed, maybe even angry and I would look at him in disgust. It would be a greater issue if he enjoys watching porn more than he does having sex with me.

Many wives would agree with me that pornography viewing is degrading and insulting plus I see it as cheating too, fantasying about other women is cheating mentally. The sad part is that many husbands might not even view pornography use as being mentally unfaithful. Therefore, they won’t understand why their wives are upset.

For several couple watching porn is fine, for me it would tear my marriage apart. Pornography viewing is a real deal breaker for me.

So, I had to do some research on the issue; and I found out that pornography use has direct effect on sexual intimacy between couples. The intimacy level is decreased. I also discovered it is a type of infidelity and it reduces the relationship’s exclusivity. Both husbands and wives see the act as betrayal, because the emotions felt from offline acts are just as authentic as those felt online.  

It’s a personal belief that porn negatively influences you as an individual, and yes your relationships. Since it hurts your loved ones, it is highly likely to build a wall between the couple, driving them apart instead of bringing them closer together. 

For my marriage to be fair, healthy etc I will use my spirituality and religion to guide me on the matter.  Since it’s my choice to rely on God in this decision, pornography use in my marriage is a no no!!

I cannot agree with those who think viewing porn together as a couple is romantic. Why do I need to see another couple get intimate in order for me to feel the need to get intimate too? I am pretty sure there are several other creative options available. A slippery slope for sure!

Positive Side of Interracial Relationships

We are living in a society that’s multicultural, we cannot escape that fact.  I believe it’s an old tradition to “stick with your own kind.” Others believe this too because we are seeing significant growth in these kind of relationships. When these couples integrate the different nationalities and cultures, they are sending a clear message that enough with prejudice, racism and hate.

Interracial relationships offer persons the opportunity to experience, learn and even appreciate diverse backgrounds and cultures.  Interracial couples’ eyes will be open to the beauty of different peoples and nationalities. More significantly, people will learn the true meaning of inner beauty than being so shallow and looking only at the outer shell. This kind of relationships creates harmony between diverse races, strengthening persons, and what is learnt between this relationship enrich the couples.

I won’t argue the fact that interracial couples might have to deal with greater or even the number of challenges that regular couples might have. But it is my personal belief that overcoming these challenges in interracial relationships the couple will become stronger and even more stable.

Love is a very important in all relationships. I am very positive that an interracial couple is capable of deeply loving each other just the same as regular couples. 

Negative Side of Interracial Relationships

Yes I must admit interracial relationships have become very common recently, question is, are they actually working? A relationship is hard enough when two people from complete different backgrounds. Yes it is normal in all relationship to have many challenges. But with added challenges such as different customs and cultures, the communication barrier becomes more difficult. This results in greater misunderstandings, carrying more grief and pain to a relationship.

Not only will interracial relationships cause the individuals involved to be unhappy, it can also affect your family members. Also there might be the challenge with language barriers, limiting how harmoniously the families interact with each other. This might result in broken relationships because of unnecessary conflicts.

If the couple crossed the first bridge and they get married. Different problems will arise. The challenge of deciding which culture the child belong to, the cultural value best for the child, will your child have difficulty coping; because they are being ostracized for being mixed. This may result in your child confused about their heritage and identity.  

It is a matter we try very hard to ignore. Persons from different cultures have many challenges that will cause extra strain on a marriage/relationship. They have different lifestyles, ideas, beliefs, customs and backgrounds. Opposite might attract, however not always. 

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Surviving your First Year of Marriage

Surviving the first 12 months of marriage is almost guaranteed to be very difficult. The both of you are adjusting to living together. You have one way of doing something and your spouse has another. There will be points where the mist of lust and romance lifts, because reality has suddenly set in. The confrontations you had while dating that seemed non-existent or really unimportant have now become the main issues after marriage.  Here are some of these issues, and helpful solutions that might work.

ROLE DEFINING

Before getting married, often times couples assume their partner will carry out certain roles within the relationship; such as mechanic, housecleaner, breadwinner etc. Unfortunately, too often couples neglect to talk about these expectations because there are so over idealistic.

Solution

Make time to create a list of these household roles and negotiate as the list is being reviewed. Firstly, focus on how helpful you can be and not so much on how your spouse is not helping.

MONEY PROBLEMS

This is an extremely sensitive topic and couple’s need to align their attitudes in line with household financing. If couples don’t do this they will end up spending their money irresponsibly and carelessly. And in worse case scenarios end up blaming their partner for the financial mishaps since couples are on different pages when it comes to money handling.  

Solution

Values should be defined. Find out what both of you care more about, and spend the money wisely on that. Like entertainment, vacations, spirituality, bills etc. As soon as this is laid on the table; a budget will be easier to come by.

IN-LAW

Yes, I said it. When you get married boundaries must be defined, and if you are fully committed to starting a new life with your parent; you have to cut the umbilical cord. The difficulty often lies most with parents; they are marrying off their beloved children and are finding unique ways to stay connected. This connection disrupts the marriage.

Solution

You need to discuss how much parental inference you can handle. Respect the boundaries and each child should communicate this message to their personal family.

IEISURE TIME

During courtship, it was easy to find something to do together and the time spend would be fun and pleasurable. But after courtship, how couples spend time together could become a conflict source.

Solution

In marriage it is a fact that your spouse has individual wants and needs and this should be respected. Don’t be selfish by doing an activity you like best all the time, so strike a balance. When you do this you’re appreciating your partner’s uniqueness. When you are doing something you don’t particularly like, don’t view it in a negative light. Think of the activity as quality time being spent together and not focus on the activity itself. Go back to the basics of dating, when it wasn't an issue what you so as long as it’s done together.

The Perfect Number is Still Seven!

A lot of us need relationship Doctors, (smile) but many of us can’t afford this. So what better way to get advice than from those who have been there? After conversations with those married couples in my closer circle, I have come to realize that the perfect number is still SEVEN! Below are seven features I found that are common in these healthy relationships.
       1)  Love

Love is what brought us into marriage, it must still be there throughout the relationship and when one leaves the other to the grave, the love you shared should be there as comfort. Knowing you experienced true love.

2)      Respect

Avoid talking to each other as if you’re the boss, or you’re the parent and the other spouse is the child. Your spouse won’t respond well with this bossy tone of voice.

3)       Sex

Sex, sex, sex! Doesn’t matter how many years you have been together, the amount of children you have, or how much work you have to do, there should always be time for sex. It brings couples together and keeps them together. Don’t waste time just waiting for it to happen, plan for it and make it happen.

4)       Truth

Sometimes it’s hard to tell the truth, if you had made a mistake admit it.  It’s not about mistakes only; if your spouse has bad breath or maybe looks awful in an outfit tell him/her. You wouldn’t want someone else doing it for you

5)      Together and Separate Lives

In a relationship your lives collide, two separate personalities coming together. However, your individuality must be maintained. So there must be a balance between being together and being who you are.

6)      Communication

Say it!! State your issues, state how you would love to be loved, in the bed room say how you want it. Hope you get the point.

7)      Forgive

Nobody is perfect, so if your spouse should make a mistake don’t hold a grudge against him/her. It’s childish not talking to each other because of a minor issue when you can simply forgive and move on. He/she didn’t get to the dishes as quickly as you expected/desired, COMMUNICATE your disappointment with LOVE and respect!

Sex and Marriage

It is true that financial problems end the majority of marriages today, but we cannot overlook sexuality and sex is high in the ranking too. I am very positive the experts will agree.

There is a common saying that says “Good lovers are made, not born.”  Therefore, you should not expect your married sexual relationship to happen overnight. Firstly, communication is excellent in solving all problems in a relationship, and it also helps in the married bed. It doesn’t matter if you’re an elderly couple, youthful couple, newlyweds or longer married couple.

When to Discuss Things

Refrain from discussing sexual issues as “pillow talk” conversations.  Keep the sexual negativity outside of the bed. The bed is for fixing the problem after finding the solution. (Smile)

If there is a need to discuss sexual issues, state the problem and do NOT point the blame finger to your spouse.  Set an appropriate time to find solutions to your sexual intimacy. You can even make it a date; discuss it over a glass of non-alcoholic wine.

If you buy sex advice books and don’t discuss it with your spouse beforehand, you’re setting yourself up for creating more issues. You might give the impression you’re blaming your spouse.

Be open to discussing your concerns, fantasies, desires, fears etc. and do so honestly! Remember too not to forget to talk about your likes and dislikes sexually.

I believe that they are different moods and styles of sex.  

The spiritual: Where you are united in soul, body and mind, reflecting your deepest gratitude of being together. This can be accomplished by simply noticing the small instants within your lives.

Angry: Making love even though you are mad at each other. It can really be healing. However, ensure you eventually discuss the problems and have them resolved.

Comical: Have fun laughing and teasing each other in bed.

Tender: Being gentle and romantic, the style of sex that involves candles, light touches, massage oils etc. Ministering to each other how thoughtful God is to have created sex for the married bed.

Lusty: Having sex just because you can! This also includes those quickies!

Married sex is a gift, one that should be shared between the married couple and must be nurtured.