You remember that “chemistry” that pulled you
together? Then after dating, things got more serious and relationship was
built. There was this excitement of realizing that this person has a lot of the
qualities you want from a partner. Things might even grow more from there; the
decision is made to marry, and start your lives together. The aim is to build a
solid relationship; complementing each other, focusing on each other, and then having
children if that is the plan.
All of a sudden, there is now a routine to life; you
and your partner have fallen so deep into the routine, individual self is lost.
When two people marry, they now play and work together. The Bible says they should leave their parents
and become one. Genesis 2:24
Becoming one here means working together as a
functional family, not getting so lost in the relationship that individual self
is lost. The primary mission is working together to have a happy marriage.
However, work must also be put into remaining the person your partner fell in
love with while dating.
Before going into any relationship, figure out
beforehand what is important to you. Ask yourself, what you value most; what
are the things I will not change about me, to make a relationship work etc. For
example, if a healthy lifestyle is a part of who you are, be determined not to
give that up for the sake of a relationship.
Secondly, common interest in relationship
undoubtedly contributes to keeping a relationship together. However, you should
not be so invested in your partner’s interests that you forget about yours.
This holds true too, for your children. You get so invested in taking care of
their needs and interests that you forget about yours. This could lead to you
resenting your partner and children.
Thirdly, this one was very good advice given to me
by my best friend. Maybe not these same words but he said, if my marriage is
not meeting some of my needs, then I should consider meeting them on my own. There
is no relationship that will meet all your needs, maybe just about 80% of the
time (my random guess). No matter how great your relationship is, it is up to
you to ensure you find time for your interests as well. The individual you,
will thank you for it.
Your individual integrity needs to be maintained if
you desire a strong relationship. It helps to maintain that special spark that
started your relationship. Additionally, it guards against being taken
advantage of, or being controlled by your partner. Of course, as was mentioned,
you might become resentful and end up pulling away from your partner. So, do yourself and your relationship a favour
and carve out a space for yourself; to be yourself.
Even though I encouraged my wife at the time to maintain all that she used to do before meeting me, to maintain her happiness and vitality, I was the one who got fully enveloped in the marriage, and gave up most of my individualism; my friends, the Martial Arts that I enjoyed and dedicated so much time and training to make Black Belt, given up because she complained it took too much time away from time we could have spent together, ...even my confidence, self-worth, and autonomy went to shit.
ReplyDeleteAll because of the thinking that if you love someone, you compromise to make them happy, I gave it all up, willingly. It's very difficult to see the difference between compromising on issues and wants, and compromising of yourself.
Don't get me wrong, she's a big giver. I admire her for her heart, and how much she gives, but some people give a lot, but feels it gives them license to practically demand everything of you. Some people give, because they feel they are lacking something, and it's their way of compensating for it, to feel loved and needed.
The latter, are the ones who are emotionally dependent on your love and loyalty, and need to see evidence of your love, constantly, and who will drain the very life out of you.
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