Confessions of a Blogging Wife

I started blogging relationship topics in 2012, almost a year after getting married. My aim was to allow myself to think the topics through thoroughly; so I can improve my own marriage, and maybe help another couples in the process. My first confession, somewhere along the course of writing, I secretly thought I was a relationship guru. This hit me after realizing I was commenting on most relationship related Facebook statuses.

After really listening to my husband the other night, the sad reality really drove home. I was NO relationship guru; in fact if I don’t make changes soon, my marriage might end in divorce.  So I am putting this blog out there, as a reminder to myself.  Yes, while he needs to change some things, I forgot I need to make changes too.

I Communicate Poorly

Even though I have blogged about the importance of communication in relationships, I guess it was meant for everybody else and not for me. I pledge from this day forth that if something is wrong I will say it. I will stop dropping hints, expecting his “clairvoyant super powers” will figure it out. I need to remember to watch my tone when I speak to him. He should not feel he is about to dive in deep waters, if he needs to talk to me about something that bothers him.

I have Difficulty Picking my Battles

I accept now that not all issues are worthy of a fight. If I continue to fight about every minor thing, I might jeopardize my chances of him listening, when major ones arise.  Picking unnecessary fights is not becoming of a professed relationship guru.

I Don’t Criticize Constructively

If I don’t get my act together my relationship can die. My way is not always the correct way. So, if he does something differently I will let him. As long as what should get done, gets done. I must also remember to keep my emotions under control. Criticizing with tears still doesn’t change the fact that my way is not the only way.   If I continuously undermine his way of doing things, maybe eventually he won’t do them at all.

I have a bad habit of pointing out what he is doing wrong and almost completely forgetting to praise him for the things he does right. I can only imagine at this point how much happier he will be around me if I made this change. HHMMMM, will he be more willing to listen to me? One thing I know for sure being a nagging wife is not cute, not cute at all.  

It’s Hard to Accept that Children Changed our Relationship.

I love my children dearly, no doubt about that! But I find myself looking back in the past at our relationship before them. I have not accepted that these loves changed the relationship dynamics. My eyes can only see how they changed the relationship for the worse. Seeing that my “Love Language” is quality time, I find myself getting jealous at times when they take up so much of my alone time with my husband. From this day forth, I will pray more about this issue. My prayer would be to accept this change, and that we will find new ways to make our relationship thrive.

Confessions are never easy. But after putting these issues down on paper, I feel much lighter. I guess the phrase “confession is good for the soul” has some truth to it. 

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Never Fall In Love

Love, what really is this love thing? Please don't let me try to explain it. It’s so complicated and has many corners, edges and sides to this tiny word. After you have concluded on your definition of love; it’s time to be able to recognize the type of people you should never fall in love with. Declaimer; I don’t profess to be a love Guru, as I am still trying to figure stuff out. However, if you vision yourself in a long term relationship and desire getting married someday, don’t fall in love with these kinds of people.

The Non-Committed

It’s difficult to grow in a relationship if one or both partners are afraid of committing to the relationship. They have all the excuses you can think of. Example, too busy working and building a career that they don’t have time for love. They might even have their eyes wide open, to continue the pursuit of a more compatible partner. If you are big on marriage because of religious or other reasons, do not hang on to the relationship if this partner makes it clear they have no intention of getting married, as they don’t see its relevance. Staying in a non-committed relationship hoping they will have a change of heart is a waste of time.

The Taken/Married

I can give you several reasons why you should never fall in love with someone who is already in a relationship. You’ll find yourself trying very hard to come across as the perfect partner, keeping hope alive that he/she will eventually leave, and you now become the couple everyone envies. As a precautionary measure, lodge this to memory, if he/she has cheated with you, I can almost guarantee that you will constantly worry if your partner is cheating if you become the new partner. Building a relationship on lack of trust is a disaster waiting to happen. 

The Busy Bumble Bee

Self-explanatory? This person is always “working, working, working!” or is caught up too much in a hobby. This person has no time for you, and when you do get some time together it’s very miniscule. You convince yourself that the situation will change soon. While you patiently wait, there will be many times of loneliness. Definitely really question where your relationship is going; if after more than 6 months, no meeting of the parents was arrange because of the busy spell. Years will pass you by waiting on quality time together, time that could be invested in someone else who is not too busy for you.

I certainly have not stated all types of persons you should never fall in love with.  I will just leave this passage of Scripture with you as a guide. James 1:5. “If any of you lacks wisdom, you should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to you.” NIV 

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Dress up your Media Sharing!

Social media is a great platform for self-expression.  I get that how I express myself, might not be how you express yourself. But I am almost sure there are some things we just should not do. One of these don’ts I like to lament on is sharing semi-nude and nude pictures.

This week I am going to rant a little. Please feel free to whip me with the rod of correction if I am misled. I find sharing semi-nude and nude pictures disturbing and ridiculous! Though you might see women “butt posing,” men are just as thirsty for what I deem “negative attention.”Did social media really destroy our self –respect?

Please fill me in on when did it become custom to upload semi-naked photos just for likes and comment of flattery!? Where did our self-respect or self-esteem go? Believe me that this kind of attention from strangers is not very important. Not important at all! Do not let comments and likes be the means of telling you what you are worth.

I surmise that you might just be capitalizing on your natural animalistic nature, with the need of getting a potential partner to look in your direction. There is the great (too great), of a need to be the one they pick from the plethora of options out there. But have you stopped to tap into your humanness and ask yourself, just what kind of partner I am attracting? Let me clue you in. You are attracting a partner whose mind is more focused on physical attraction than what you have to offer as a whole person. This potential partner is so blinded by that ass it will be hard to see you as anything more than a sexual partner.

Let their minds go on overdrive trying to picture what you look like without clothes on. Real men and women worth marrying won’t feel the need to do this anyways. Life-time partners will spend the time undressing your intellect and engage you with conversations that are uplifting; they will challenge you to be a better you. 

If you are married, why, why, why, why??!! are you letting strange eyes see what is reserved only for your partner? If you want to take such pictures you and your partner have fun with it. *smile* let your partner take a few on the business trip to remind him/her what is home waiting.

How I see it, ideal attractiveness will always be a target that’s moving. It will NEVER be hit. While physical attraction will not go unnoticed when looking for a partner, sell your mind, your gifts and talents, conversations others things of substance. Whatever your physique, might suddenly becomes what they are attracted to, if you put these attributes out. 

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Involuntary Side Chick

It’s my opinion that, most women who are side chick are unaware that they are. Unfortunately or fortunately; whichever way I decide to look at the situation, I too was an involuntary side chick. After reflecting on this past experience, I came to realize that there were telltales that I was a side chick, but I missed them. Let me share with you three major signs I missed.

He/She Lives Where?

After dating for quite some time, knowing where your partner lives is a must. The option to visit should at least be on the table. The secrecy of residence could mean he/she is not comfortable with the aesthetics of the house or hiding a family inside. Question his family history; if it’s mystery, chances are you are a side chick. 

Did I Hear His Phone Vibrate?

The phone goes on silent or vibrates when you go out (nowhere public). Question the reason for doing this and don’t fall for the; I want undisturbed quality time with you, or I forgot to put it back to ring after leaving the office etc. Then there is the issue of answering the phone, but then walks away and asks to be excused. Be alert of the phone issue.

Not Seeing You Again this Christmas?

You are highly likely a side chick if you never spent a holiday together. Being extremely busy during the holidays, family emergencies increase (someone in the hospital). Plans are made for the next holiday, but are then canceled at last minute.

I am confident that if you keep your eyes open, and you ask all the necessary questions you will find out if you are an involuntary side chick. Let my experience prevent you from making the same mistake.

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Why I Love My Husband

I think, many wives around the world have questioned why in the world they got married! “What have I gotten myself into?” They might question, especially after a disagreement, and you are blinded by anger and your entire marriage just seems like a blur. I must confess that I have had several of those moments.  However, after the storm he quickly reminds me of why I love him.  So, this one is dedicated to my husband with love.  Here are my top 5 reasons why I love you.  

Love Your Smile

Yes, when he smiles he looks a 100 times more handsome, but my reason is that when he smiles he “really smiles,” you see it in his eyes, so you can tell it is coming from his heart. Under 30 years and he already has those smile lines at his eyes.  I can boast that I have contributed greatly to some of those lines. I love his smile secondly, because when he smiles it’s so contagious I can’t help but smile right back. When I start getting those lines from smiling back, I will wear them with pride.

My Mr. Handy Man

I love how he can fix just about anything! It’s just a God given gift.  When he has no experience in fixing a specific item, best believe he is “Googling”  95% of the time he is successful! I am always in awe.  I think it’s because he has a brilliant mind, he is analytical and doesn't limit himself to what he can do. Not limiting myself, is the lesson I want to take from him.

My Personal “Chef”

Thank you mother-in-law you taught him well! Without any shame, I admit that what I know now in the kitchen I learnt from him. Yet, no matter how hard I try, if I follow his directions my version of the dish just always seem like the “knock off” version.  *smiles* I love that when he eats my knock off dishes, he learnt overtime to criticize constructively without hurting my feelings.  I appreciate greatly when he calls to say I’ll prepare dinner today, I get supper excited and so does my taste buds and belly. 

Love Your Dedication to our Little Family

I know he really loves me because I am some kind of crazy sometimes. I am miserable and can get really negative about things, when I am upset I say things that I really shouldn't (God and I are working on my flaws). Yet, he is still here loving me through my flaws. 

I love how the children love him.  They miss him when he is away, and they laugh a lot when he is around.  He is a great father; he really puts a lot into making them happy.

Love that You Love the Lord

This is by far the most important to me. This family wouldn't be holding together if you didn't love the Lord, and have a personal relationship with him. Lord knows, you need lots of prayer to deal with my stubbornness.  Keep loving the Lord and guarantee that I will keep loving you!

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Three C’s of a Healthy Marriage

Marriage is a beautiful experience once it is entered in with two people who love each other, and is willing to keep the love alive.  Here are my three (3) C’s of a healthy marriage.

Compromise

Healthy marriages require partners having an attitude of give and take. When it comes to compromise; out of love, you put aside your wants and consider your partner’s wants first. This will only work in the favor of the marriage, if both partners keep this concept at the forefront of their minds and act up on it. Sharing “one flesh” doesn't mean sharing one brain. As such, there will be disagreements as you are two different people. So, for the sake of being able to boast of having a healthy marriage partners must learn the skill of compromise.

To strengthen the marriage, openly discuss your problems and fix them. Many can be fixed with compromise.

Christ-centeredness

I say this without apology; it is extremely difficult to have a healthy marriage without Christ at the center. In order to have Him at the center Husband and Wife must have Him in their lives personally. The sinful human flesh is unsurprisingly selfish.We are inclined to think about our personal best interest first. Sadly, our selfishness is a killer in relationships. For marriages to work we must be willing to put our partners needs above our own. That is an essential part of unconditional love.

We definitely need Jesus at the center of our relationship, to help us get rid of our selfish nature. No matter how we use every trick available to us for motivation, removing selfishness from our lives is not something we can do by ourselves. For the success story we must surrender our lives to God, sounds strange? This secret is THE powerful truth. With Christ in our individual hearts, a strong connection to the family altar, learning to love like Him, selflessness will definitely be achieved. 

Communication

Obvious? It should be. However, it’s worthy to emphasize. Solid communication builds successful marriages. Listening is an important skill of communication to learn. It’s easy to find good talkers, and difficult to find good listeners. Within marriage, you are sharing your lives together. Communication is the backbone of keeping your spouse closest to you. You should be able to go to your partner openly and talk about any and everything. To give the confidence to your partner for him/her to talk to you freely, you must intently listen when they speak.

Hearing is a passive, natural physical process. Listening is hard because it is much more than hearing. It is a conscious choice, it requires concentration to really understand what the other party is saying, catching the meaning fully.

Certainly I have not exhausted the C’s of a healthy marriage. But this is the start hubby and I are working on.

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Money Matters in Relationship

Even if we ignore it, the fact still remains that money matters in a relationship. So each couple must have productive money conversations throughout their relationship. Money talks are important because money can cause strain on a relationship. This strain can come from varying angles, such as loss of steady income, inequality in earning, too much spending, attitude towards money differ, among other things. These things can lead to arguments and resentment.

Here is what I have learnt so far in my three plus years of marriage, my top three to lessen money conflicts.

1.    Talk Often about Money

Schedule if you must “money talk time”. Treat this aspect of your relationship like a business. Talk about everything in detail. How much income each person is making, how much each person is allowed to spend without consulting with your partner, who pay what bills, how much to spend on entertainment etc.

Come to a conclusion about what works for your relationship and stick to it. This might not be the most pleasant conversation but it is necessary. You’ll be thankful later.

2.    Financial Infidelity

This is hiding debt, purchases and secret accounts from your significant other.  Doing this breaks down the trust and intimacy in the relationship. Be open about everything in your relationship. Money matters definitely should be an open topic.

3.    Spend Money to Enjoy Each Other

Ever so often, budget some of the money for distressing purposes. Use it for romantic dinners, concerts, taking the children to new places, etc. Spend the money to create lasting memories, than on material things that won’t last forever. Happiness is found during the experiences and long after when reflecting on the memory.

Please share with me how you deal with money in your relationship to lessen money conflicts.

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