Maintaining Individualism in Marriage

You remember that “chemistry” that pulled you together? Then after dating, things got more serious and relationship was built. There was this excitement of realizing that this person has a lot of the qualities you want from a partner. Things might even grow more from there; the decision is made to marry, and start your lives together. The aim is to build a solid relationship; complementing each other, focusing on each other, and then having children if that is the plan.

All of a sudden, there is now a routine to life; you and your partner have fallen so deep into the routine, individual self is lost. When two people marry, they now play and work together.  The Bible says they should leave their parents and become one. Genesis 2:24

Becoming one here means working together as a functional family, not getting so lost in the relationship that individual self is lost. The primary mission is working together to have a happy marriage. However, work must also be put into remaining the person your partner fell in love with while dating.

Before going into any relationship, figure out beforehand what is important to you. Ask yourself, what you value most; what are the things I will not change about me, to make a relationship work etc. For example, if a healthy lifestyle is a part of who you are, be determined not to give that up for the sake of a relationship.

Secondly, common interest in relationship undoubtedly contributes to keeping a relationship together. However, you should not be so invested in your partner’s interests that you forget about yours. This holds true too, for your children. You get so invested in taking care of their needs and interests that you forget about yours. This could lead to you resenting your partner and children.

Thirdly, this one was very good advice given to me by my best friend. Maybe not these same words but he said, if my marriage is not meeting some of my needs, then I should consider meeting them on my own. There is no relationship that will meet all your needs, maybe just about 80% of the time (my random guess). No matter how great your relationship is, it is up to you to ensure you find time for your interests as well. The individual you, will thank you for it.

Your individual integrity needs to be maintained if you desire a strong relationship. It helps to maintain that special spark that started your relationship. Additionally, it guards against being taken advantage of, or being controlled by your partner. Of course, as was mentioned, you might become resentful and end up pulling away from your partner.  So, do yourself and your relationship a favour and carve out a space for yourself; to be yourself.  

Difficult Truth's About the "Love Thing"

There is no guaranteed method to enter the love game, and it is definitely not foolproof, nor is there a “how-to guide” exists that’s universal or comprehensive. Unfortunately, this is true regardless of how many books (manuals) are on the market about relationships. All us bloggers and Authors (I’m getting there), have to offer are suggestions and philosophies that might have worked for a reasonable number of people. Each couple has their special love insanity brand, so no matter how great an insight is; it might not fit your relationship puzzle. 

It’s hard to digest that you can get bored and tired of love. We fail to mention that, despite how great the relationship is and how happy you are, there will be times you wish you were single again. You might even become really attracted to someone else that you lay eyes on; their voice, their smell as they walk by, and though there is no doubt you love your mate; you want the other person so much you almost become intoxicated. Yes, you may not act on this attraction (hopefully), but you hate yourself just the same.

It is highly likely that you will fall in the love trap of several “Mr. or Mrs. Wrong” before finding the right person. Each time you fall, in order to experience the true love of “Mr. or Mrs. Right,” you have to forget the hurt from past relationships and take with you the lessons learnt. You have to let yourself sober up completely, to really revel in the joys of love.

“Mr. or Mrs. Right,” is a mystery. This person technically, understands you, fit into your life’s framework, warm, supportive, keeps your anxiety to a minimum, etc. However, these criteria are extremely hard to find in just one individual, so you need to think carefully about what you are looking for. 

Another thing - there is no such thing as being ready for love. We sometimes make this huge hoopla about “being ready” and the “right time” to enter a relationship; this idea is nonsense. Yes, you are busy with school or starting a new career, but do you quit your job if you now decide to begin a routine workout? No, you make the necessary rearrangements in your schedule. The same should be for relationships; you make a mental, emotional and whatever other necessary “schedule” when someone comes along.

Finally, heartbreak should equal a good experience for you. The annoying optimists are right on this one; be appreciative of your heartbreaks,  look at them from a “bright side” perspective and use them as a stepping stone to doing things differently the next time around. Hey, no one said it would be easy, but it sure is fun, especially when it is right. 

New Year Resolutions: Marriage and Relationship

We all do it; well most of us anyway, make New Year resolutions. This New Year, I am positive it’s no different. We should also make resolutions to improve our relationships and marriages. If you have not already made New Year’s resolutions in this area of your life, these are my suggestions. 

Quality Time Together is Necessary
As we try to work on our other resolutions; as couples, too often we are too busy taking care of other things and often times do not spend enough time and effort in quality alone time together. I am suggesting more date nights this year, arrange for a baby sister, if you have children and use the time to reconnect and fall in love with each other again. Money should not be an issue, quality time alone at home after putting the children to bed will also be appreciated by your spouse.

Forgive Quickly and Forget Always
If you have things you need to apologize for from the past year, do so ASAP! Leave the grudges behind and start the New Year afresh. Be mindful not to bring up past grievances, remember to forget after forgiving. This will make you and your spouse happier.

Approach the Throne of God Together
Seem like I bring him up a lot in my posts, but no doubt he is absolutely necessary in our relationships. It’s very special hearing my husband talk to the Lord about my issues. It means he is listening and/or pays attention. An added bonus; the bond in marriage is strengthened, unity is encouraged, and marriages are changed for the best. The list could go on.

Upgrade the Bedroom
When I say this, yes I mean improve on your sex life. But I'm also suggesting maybe redecorating the bedroom. Change the wall colour to a warmer colour, new bedding, curtains etc. If the bedroom is warm and inviting, I'm sure everything else sexually will improve.

Say the Words “I Love You” Daily
Though this is important, your actions must reflect the truth in your words. It’s nice to be reminded you are loved, especially if you are not in a good mood.


No two relationships or marriage is the same. So, I encourage couples to adjust their New Year’s resolutions according to their special needs and wants. 

Jamaicans and Homosexuality

I believe the entire world knows just how homophobic Jamaica is. This obvious fact is regularly advertised in many popular Dancehall and Reggae lyrics. Jamaicans are so homophobic that a past Prime Minister made it clear that he will not allow such “characters” in his cabinet. Taking all of this into consideration, the question still lingers - are Jamaicans really deeply committed to eradicating gays or are they just big fat hypocrites? I believe there is definitely something fishy going on here, pun intended. 

How far is too far in trying to get rid of this “disease”?  I strongly believe that it is being taken too far when our citizens are being abused.  It is common knowledge and in some cases well documented that persons have been beaten, denied a job or a promotion, forcefully evicted, targeted by the police (and security guards) for being homosexual and the list could go on.  Being Christian I am certainly not condoning the lifestyle, as it is strongly condemned in the bible (Leviticus 18:22 and Leviticus 20:13). As Christians, however, it is not for me to take judgment into my own hands since all of us will appear before the judgment seat of Christ (2 Corinthians 5:10).

In my opinion, Jamaica as a country has reached a sad and egotistical state, where persons defend this one “morality” so strongly that they do whatever it takes to uphold this standard while ignoring basically everything else. Persons go to the clubs and dance and go crazy over lyrics such as “BEFFORE ME TURN BATTYMAN (GAY) ME PREFER TURN RAPER (RAPIST).” So as a people, there is this deep passion against homosexuality that all other immorality just seems okay. The song lyrics suggest that being a rapist is a much better title than being labeled as a homosexual. The real fact of life is this, a fornicator; adulterer, thief, homosexual and the rapist will all end up in hell if their wrong doing is not made right. There is no section in hell hotter for homosexuals.

Strangely enough, I also think Jamaicans are big fat hypocrites on this very same subject matter. Not because of the unfair judgment but because of how supportive Jamaicans are of homosexuals. Yes, I said it supportive. What on earth are you talking about?  I hear you ask, but consider this , the majority of Jamaicans are fully aware that “Shebbada” a very popular comedian/actor is not the straightest nail in the toolbox, yet they go out and buy tickets for his plays and several of his shows are sold out with people demanding more. After seeing the plays they go out and buy his DVDs because they want to be able to see the plays over and over again.  As if that wasn’t enough, they also share his status updates and photos all over facebook! Now if they are not fans then I don’t know who is.

Jamaicans are also big fat hypocrites because it is pretty much okay for a woman to be homosexual but it is not for men. Personally, I have never seen a news story where lesbians are being beaten because of their lifestyle. I will go as far as to say that many  men even find their lifestyle as enticing. They get a “kick” from girl on girl action.

I am defending all round morality, we need to get to a stage as a country where just as strongly as we “bun out” (condemn) homosexuality we “bun out” all other immoral acts. Condemning adultery, fornication and child abuse is a great place to start as they are wrong according to the same bible. Ironically, the bible also says we should Not  be quick to point fingers on others before reviewing your own sinful lives. He who is without sin cast the first stone John 8:7.

Christians and "Dirty Talk"

I think most Christian couples choose not to use similar words in bed as they would with their teachers, friends etc.  A line is drawn for the type of language they use due to a number of personal choices that are influenced by many different things. There are those who when they hear an expletive (‘bad word’) in bed they are reminded of a culture they want to be separated from. However, for others, using these words is the primary source of an intense arousal.

You have those Christians who you will never hear utter a word of expletive no matter how keenly you are trying to listen. But, you might be shocked if you should listen in on their bedroom actions, because when they are with their partners no word is taboo; since they have built a relationship of respect and trust with each other. So when their spouse tells them exactly how they are feeling and thinking sexually, whatever word is used to describe it; makes it that much hotter for them. They are not offended because they are fully aware that their partner is not saying it with any disrespect at all. Yes, they are Christians who find ‘dirty talk’ erotic. Personally as long as the words are not used out of context there won’t be any confusion. If it is that you walk around telling persons to “F-OFF” or call them derogative names stemming from body parts the feeling might be different, but if the words are only used in the bedroom you may find they bring spice to the relationship.

If you desire to start incorporating ‘dirty talk’ begin with something that has a little more edge from what you are used to. Maybe you’re usually quiet during the act; begin then with saying what you are thinking, tell your spouse what you want them to do. If usually you say “Are you up for sex tonight?” why not try “I have the hots for you now, I want you inside me.” It’s not a guarantee that all the time the words will feel right. Variety DOES offer SPICE to life. SO begin with small changes and discover what the both of you will like. Every couple’s comfort level is different, so experiment and find out what yours is.

Certain words, due to culture or personal life experiences, bring up feelings of disrespect, oppression and in turn make you feel dirty. So, if you’re uncomfortable with the words your partner uses during intercourse, speak up! On the other hand, if it is something that you WANT to try; SPEAK UP as well.

Oral sex: Good or Bad?

There are so many debates surrounding this topic. In this blog I won’t be “arguing” the topic, just stating my views and you the reader is free to comment with your own opinions on the subject.

In Jamaica as Jamaicans we tend to shy away from this topic especially in public settings. Jamaicans would agree we are an anti-oral sex country; most of our music that the public gets is negative on the subject. However, a great number of Jamaicans are involved, well in my opinion. For example, having been on several social networking sites I have gotten many many offers to be “eaten.” Many other females here in Jamaica might have this experience too. I assume that somehow these negative songs about oral sex have somehow sparked the interest of our citizens to want to try out what they might be missing. Or could it be that because it is so forbidden by social norms why actually indulging in the act makes it that much more appealing?

When I was a teen, I was attending a crusade and on the delegated night for a family life topic the evangelist touched this very same topic. He made it clear that sex was created by God. In my opinion the greatest sex and love stories are from the bible in Songs of Solomon. Read it and pray for its understanding. The following are texts from This Book of Solomon

I sat down under his shadow with great delight, and his fruit was sweet to my taste. 2:3

My beloved is mine, and I am his: he feedeth among the lilies. 2:16

Come ... blow upon my garden that the spices thereof may flow out. Let my beloved come into his garden, and eat his pleasant fruits. 4:16

"Thy navel is like a round goblet, which wanteth not liquor: thy belly is like an heap of wheat set about with lilies." 7:2

"I would cause thee to drink of spiced wine of the juice of my pomegranate." 8:2

Concerning oral sex within Christian discussions, the most cited is Song of Solomon.

Song of Solomon 2:3- says - Like an apple tree among the trees of the forest, so is my beloved among the young men. In his shade I took great delight and sat down, and his fruit was sweet to my taste. This passage refers to Fellatio and 4:16 refers to cunnilingus- … May my beloved come into his garden and eat its choice fruits!

If you continue to Solomon 5:1 you might agree with me that he encourages husband and wives to drink and eat freely from each other’s bodies. When you open the scripture and read it you will realize it portrays oral sex just as normal as eating, expressing love joyfully and passionately between woman and man.

Negatives of Oral sex

After researching somewhat extensively, I have found that just like with intercourse, there are STD’s related illnesses that come with oral sex. But, like it is with sexual intercourse, if partners are faithful to each other then getting an STD from the act is out of the question.

I will conclude by saying this, both partners should have a say with respect to adding oral sex to their sexual menu. If one partner is for it and the other is against it, then you may need to just forget about it.  On the other hand, if you are both for it then do I think Oral sex is a sin? No. But I do I think forcing your partner to engage in the act if they do not want to do it is the wrong thing to do. 

The Hypocrisies of Men

Men are going to see this title and think “another woman bitching about men,” but that is not the case, these are just observations and after reading and you put away your manly pride you will agree they are true. I on no gender’s side, go ahead read my article on The Hypocrisies of Women.

The hypocrisy of men and their freedom

For the majority of men, even the idea of committing themselves to one woman feels like a life sentence in a room with huge ants eating them alive. This hated “c-word” means to you financial devastation, sacrificing your options of varied sexual partners, loss of independence and the list could go on.

Well men women fear their loss of freedom too! We like the idea of deciding we want to go here today, use our money and buy this, stay over a friend without being questioned the next day etc. But until you are ready to commit I think you should stay away from making advances to woman. The relationship won’t work if you have so many fears. I understand that men naturally are very independent but admit it, deep down you desire love and affection from that one special person and in order to find this love you have to grow some manly balls and get over it!

The hypocrisy of men and their loss of space

I get it that you crave your “manly space” for watching action flicks, tools, cars etc. you fear that when women come around all this will change, you now have to watch some romance flicks from time to time, your  prized leather couch will have to be removed, the windows now have frilly curtains etc. But guess what guys, we women are losing our space too; you are not the only “victims” to relationships. 

Most women love shoes  we worry about where our prized collection will go when we move in. Stop acting like you sit and let women push you around, admit it, the women in your lives sometimes have to put up with action flicks and car shows too. In a relationship you win some and you lose some. We might lose our “womanly space” of staying in bed late on weekends to read a romance novel or just think about the past week and the week to come.  We have lost that space to maybe making breakfast for the men in our lives. So, stop pretending you are the only victims to loss of space, grow some manly balls and get over it!

The hypocrisy of men and their fear of only one partner

This one calls for a LOL! Men the women you are sleeping around with is an indication that they enjoy sexual freedom too don’t you think?  Sadly, gone are the days when partners get together as virgins and lose their virginity to each other in marriage. I might be rude to be speaking as if this is the case for all women, but they can disagree.  Some women have this fear too, the difference is, society dictates that women who had several sexual partners are sluts, hoes etc. and the men are praised as it shows their manhood. Therefore, women are more hush hush about their sexual encounters.

One partner for us also means getting bored, lack of desire just like men do. But women have an additional fear, not having another orgasm again! Why? because the guy they now commit to just don’t “put it on” like another guy she has been with. Men, I ask you this, was their ever a sexual encounter of yours that you didn’t orgasm? If that happens, you find the nearest doctor because you think something must be wrong. However, for women not getting an orgasm in a sexual encounter happens maybe more often than we want it to. So, man up, buy some books and get to reading and spice up your sex life with the ONE partner. And when I say this, I say it to both men and women.

Conclusion

All aspects of relationships and how to make them work can be found in the Bible! The Lord knew what would cause problems in our relationships and he made preparations for us to make them work. Open its pages and start looking; it truly will be worth your while.