5 Signs you’re in a Toxic Relationship

The fact is all relationships are different. I can’t say that too much. Some will flourish and some are toxic and you must get out! They all have their fair share of challenges. But how can you tell you’re experiencing “normal” challenges or you really should get out?! After careful thought, here are my 5 signs of a toxic relationship.

Generally Unhappy

There will be times you feel unhappy about events/situations in your relationship, which is normal. You’re in a toxic relationship if you’re generally unhappy about your relationship even if there is no current situation. You’re always on edge, and tense about when the next conflict will be. If any of this is relatable and then some, you’re in a toxic relationship. It’s time to surf the waves and find your way out.

Thoughts of Cheating

Maybe this is coming from the decreased drama between the sheets. You are no longer attracted to each other and the passion has died, and you think you can only experience this again with someone else. These thoughts might be surfacing because you have met someone who makes you smile again.

If you’re enjoying these thoughts of cheating and really don’t want to get rid of them, or have already acted upon them, your relationship is in deep waters.

No Longer have Fun Together

Those days when you used to play, laugh senselessly over nothing, when you go out onlookers envy what you have are long gone. Now when you go out, you use the time to discuss your relationship problems instead of enjoying each other’s company like you used to.

This is another sign that you are barely keeping your head above water, and your relationship is dying a terrible death of knowing you’re slowly drowning. 

Lost your Drive to Fight for your Relationship

After doing everything you think possible to improve your relationship and nothing is working, because the other partner is not as interested in the relationship as you are. No one should blame you for giving up on the relationship.

If you’re in this mind space, your relationship is definitely sinking.

Thoughts of Killing Them

Yes, I said that out loud.  This right here is a huge sign. Swim, swim, and swim with all your might to get to the shores, before you find yourself tying an anchor to a duffle bag. If you’re planning a detailed step by step on how to scuff the life of your partner; while he/she sleeps get counseling fast! To avoid taking such life changing plunge.

These signs are hard to swallow, especially after investing many years. But if both parties are genuinely want a better story ending, with counseling, Christ at the centre and putting in the hard work your relationship can be fixed. If the best decision is to part, time will heal. Your broken heart can be mended. 

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From a Man’s Perspective: To Our Women

I always joke about returning as a man in my “next life,” I am not a believer in reincarnation but you get my point. Why would I want to do that, I can hear you ask. The answer, my friend, is very simple - I think their lives are far less complicated than women’s.

By all indications, it appears to take very little to make a man happy.  I have identified three basic things that remain true for what men look for in a relationship. These are sex, space and acceptance.

Sex

This might not be number one on all men’s lists, but I believe it definitely falls in the top five. Wives (I say wives, because I believe sex should be only be between married people) our men want the kind of sex that will keep them focused on you.

Naturally men eyes will wander, but if you are having that kind of sex that has love intertwined and you are connected they will notice but not want. He will acknowledge she has a nice body and pretty face but she won’t be worth losing you.

Space

Men need space. When I speak of space I mean time away from you!  Now women don’t freak out, it is perfectly natural for a man to want to be by themselves, hang with friends or time to invest in their own passions/hobbies. Let them have the time to play video games, join in a game of football etc. This is the time they use to clear their minds, unwind, and recharge so they can love you the way you deserve.  

Acceptance

I am learning that it’s after accepting our men just the way they are, for who they are is when we truly love them unconditionally. I gather that our men, no matter how old they are, will always have boyish tendencies. Accept them for who they are, that will be motivation enough to do more to make you happy

Loving our men is not complicated. However, the above three ways on how to, is not the total list.

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From a Woman’s Perspective: To Our Men

To make your woman feel like a queen doesn't mean an overnight shopping spree to Paris or an Audi in her driveway. Well let me correct myself, for the materialistic high maintenance women this is what she requires to feel special and loved. For the low maintenance woman, here are three (3) simple things you can do to make her the queen in your life.

Quality Time

The trip to Paris would be much more fun if she went with you, or drive around in the Audi with you as the driver.  She feels special when you have time for her, not too busy to listen to her rant about her co-worker that just doesn’t stop talking. If she has to fight too hard for this quality time, it means the fight is one sided and only she recognizes that this time is needed for growth in the relationship. Spend quality time together for example; to talk about anything, the more that’s revealed in a relationship the closer you get as a couple.

Compliment Her

We put effort in putting ourselves together; while we should do this for us, we also do it for you. Sometimes we even go the extra mile and make sure our hair is done how you like it, or wear that perfume you love so much. Compliment her; let her know she looks beautiful! Don’t let her get those compliments from others, while she waits wondering when it will come from you.  A compliment tells her you are paying attention, that her efforts are not wasted; it might even say you’re proud that she is yours.

Be a part of Her Life

This means knowing her aspirations and don’t be a bystander, play a role in letting her accomplish them. If she has a hobby, you don’t have to get involved in it with her, if for example you have children, take them and allow her some free time to participate in her hobby. If she is a blogger, read every one of her post and give feedback and even make suggestions for her next post. There is even the option of making goals together and accomplish them as a couple.

Doing these three simple things makes your woman feel like the queen in your life. She will also feel secure in the relationship, because you are investing time, paying attention to her and have plans to be a part of her future since you are involved in her life.

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Single? Perfect!

Singleness is not a death sentence. It can be an exciting trip or a lonely journey. The road you travel on depends heavily on your choices. The best choice is the fun and exciting road. Take these suggestions into consideration to avoid the lonely road. 

Single? Perfect! Use the Time to Explore Who you are

It’s my opinion that this is one of the first things to do while single. Once you know who you are, the difficulty level in knowing the kind of person you would want to date decreases. Identifying the characteristics and personalities that compliment you best is easier.

Be Confident and Brave in Your Singleness

Now that you know much about yourself and the type of partner you want; take action! Tap into your confidence and be brave and ask someone out. In particular females; stop waiting for him to ask you out, just go for it. 

Don’t Block Yourself in a Box

You might very well have a type, the cliché “tall dark and handsome.” Free yourself from the box and be open to other options like a “tall fair and handsome.” Get the point?

Have Fun Being Single

Approach dates positively. Going on the date with negativity about the outcome, is setting up yourself for a negative outcome of the date experience. Once you have a positive attitude; you’ll be more fun to be around, giving you an advantage of being likeable and even irresistible.

Take Dating Mistakes Note  

For example, have issues being on time, make greater efforts to be on time. This could very well be the dating pattern that is unproductive/ a turn off for the dater.

Singles…Please, Never Settle!

The dating scene can be rough. You have date so many people and still can’t find “the one.” Yes this can be very frustrating especially as you get older. BUT it’s better to stay single than settle for someone you are not sure about, because the biological clock is ticking or you’re just tired of being single. Such relationships tend not to last.

Take my advice and enjoy “Singledom”

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Three B’s of a Healthy Marriage

Bedroom Drama

To have a healthy marriage, sex and lots of it should be a top priority. Boring sex is a no, no! Explore different positions (buy a Kama Sutra book or Google search). To the husbands, satisfy a woman’s emotional needs and she will be more motivated to make time for more sex. To the wives, don’t withhold sex from your husband as a “punishment,” instead use it to make up sooner.  Keep things fresh and romance novel like J be very clear and open about your preferences and expectations sexually. What are your views regarding infidelity? Of course it doesn’t stop here; there is a whole lot more on this topic to explore.

Balance

When I make reference to balance I mean getting rid of power struggle, don’t try to control your partner. I also mean meeting each other’s needs. Don’t expect to always get, and never give.

Give your partner room to fulfill their dreams and goals, offer guidance if you can, leave out negative judgment. While your partner is pursuing their own interest, go after yours as well. You don’t want to give up all your dreams and goals to help your partner fulfill his/her own, as it’s highly likely that you will have regrets in the future, when you realize you have not accomplished anything personally. 

Bonding

The success of marriages depends heavily on bonding. A huge mistake couples make is assuming their bond will last because of their love for each other. Without hard work, this connection will be lost! Be intentional in finding strategies to strengthen your union.

So, slow it down! Take your time in spending quality time together. Date nights once a week; no interruptions from children, just you and your partner alone. Hold hands, hug and kiss frequently, looking into each other’s eye when you talk, find hobbies/actives to do together; so as to create memorable memories.

Keep searching for ways to strengthen your marriage together. Improving in the areas on these “B’s will sure to help in sustaining a strong marriage. 

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It Starts With Me!

I’m not nosy but, I have overheard some pretty interesting conversations from singles who are actively seeking a partner.  I was there; I had my list of criteria that I wanted my potential husband to meet. Somewhere along this journey a light bulb went off! “What do I bring to the table?”

It Starts With Me!

We are so caught up in adding to the “list of things we look for in a bf/gf,” that we forget that our potential mates have their own list too. I recommend you get your values, attitude and character in line with the list you look for in a potential mate. Chances are there is someone out there with a similar list, look for you!

Learn to Enjoy Your Own Company

I learnt this valuable lesson from a girlfriend who enjoys her own company. If she wants to go rock climbing, she makes the necessary arrangements and go. No need to call up a friend to accompany her. She can be bad all by herself. This is a part of character building, learning to make yourself happy. Once you master this, you lessen desperation for a partner. Ultimately giving you a clearer head to choose a partner wisely, not jumping into something too quickly because you are desperate.

You don’t Need a Partner to Complete You

I am not a fan of referring to your partner as “your other half,” or making statements such as “you complete me.” You are complete on your own! If you take this concept of being incomplete without a partner; in your singleness you will be lonely, desperate, feeling empty, thinking your life is lacking something gravely important. Once you realize there is no truth to this, watch how your confidence blossoms. You’ll walk around chest high and a noticeable pep in your step.  Should I state how much more attractive you’ll be with a boost in confidence?

Once you come to terms that a healthy relationship starts with me; and start working on you first, your whole outlook on dating will change for the better. You’ll enjoy your singleness more, and if you’re in a relationship, when you start working on you, your relationship will improve. 

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To find Love/a Lover you must First Love Yourself

Love is a loaded word; this little four letter word goes deep. Defining it is so complicated I wouldn't even attempt, but I will only refer you to 1 Corinthians 13:4-8.  I think it is in your best interest to love yourself before you go seeking a lover. My personal journey to loving myself was very challenging, and now it’s my pleasure to offer suggestions on how to love you.

Accept and Appreciate the Physical You

This might sound a little crazy, but try standing before your mirror in your birthday suit. Really pay attention to what’s before you. Breathe deeply, relax and acknowledge what you appreciate about your body. Forget what you think about how fat, skinny, short, lacking muscles, etc. focus on the positives, how your face light up when you smile for example. Remember you are uniquely you. Tell yourself you are special, the more you say it, the more you will believe it. If you can’t accept and appreciate the physical you, you will have difficulty accepting compliments from the opposite sex. 

Get to Know Yourself

You might think you know everything about yourself but you don’t. You learn so much about yourself as you find yourself in different situations, around different people and engaging in different activities. To introduce yourself to a potential lover you should know your likes, dislikes, what makes you angry, how far your patience can be stretched etc. In your singleness, step away from the proverbial box you walk around with. Try new activities, travel to different places and don’t be afraid to meet new people. This is just a part of the process of getting to know you.

Start “Loving-up” Yourself

Nurture yourself, eat as healthy as possible and spend time grooming and pampering yourself. Meet your personal emotionally needs. By doing these things you gain confidence you never dream would be possible. With daily practice you will be more loving and caring towards yourself.

In loving yourself, when you enter a relationship you will have confidence in presenting the real you to your partner. You won’t be afraid to let your partner see your flaws, giving him/her the opportunity to love every aspect of you! Flaws and all.