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Thursday, 11 December 2014

It’s Christmas Season-Time for a break up?

I have not done an official study; or even an informal poll, but from observations over the years I have concluded that the Christmas season is not too good to some relationships. I sum it up to just two weeks or more before Christmas, many persons call quit on their relationships. From personal informal analysis, persons break –up during this time for these top three (3) reasons.

3) Does he/she Worth This Expensive gift?

This is a season of giving and receiving gifts. You find your self shopping for your significant other’s Christmas gift; you’re examining the quality after considering that he/she will love this item! Then BOOM! You see the price and suddenly you’re wondering if the relationship is worth this much money.

Sounds shallow? Hear me out. Wouldn’t this be a good time to think about the quality of your relationship, before spending big money on someone who won’t be around for much longer?
So; coming in at number 3, is breaking up because you realize your significant other is not worthy of all this spending on gifts.

2). Is This Person Qualified Enough to Meet the Parents?

It’s also the seasons for traveling to visit family members you have not seen since last Christmas. The family misses you. While you’re making plans for this trip, you start to wonder if your significant other is qualified enough to meet the parents and extended family.

After careful examination of where the relationship is and where it is coming from; your eyes finally open to the fact that the person you are with, is not someone you want your family to meet. There you have my number 2 reason for breakup.

1) New Year, New Beginnings

New Year resolutions are upon us. Reflections on the quality of our lives are not new to us. Making new plans for the New Year to improve our lives is on its way full speed. You come to the thoughts on your relationship. The idea of having this boyfriend/girlfriend holding you back from experiencing bigger and better things, because your relationship for a very long time has become dead weight.
This is my number 1 reason why break-ups happen during this festive season. The New Year usually means new beginnings, a fresh start to make your life happier. Naturally if your relationship is broken, this is the season your eyes become open to recognizing your relationship it not working.

Hey, I am aware that this time of year can be a very happy time for some relationships too! People are getting engaged, festivities make you happy and you spend more time with each other over the holidays etc. But, I won’t overlook that the singles market will get bigger this Christmas festive season.  

Monday, 1 December 2014

Am I Dateable?

Its common practice for people who have an interest in getting married, have a list of characteristics, physical features et,. that they are looking for in a potential spouse. I know I did. (Tall dark and handsome, two out of three not bad right?) But do you have a second copy, so that daily with pray you make these criteria for yourself?  If you answer no, then you are not yet date-able. The Bible says in Song of Solomon 2:7 ESV I adjure you, O daughters of Jerusalem, by the gazelles or the doers of the field, that you not stir up or awaken love until it pleases. You are date- able when:

     You can bring valuable contribution to someone else’s life. You are an asset not a deficit. Because you have found your purpose, content with being single, have plans and visions for your life. So work on you before you actively start searching for a partner. Proverbs 19:2 ESV says, desire without knowledge is not good, and whoever makes haste with his feet misses is way.

Growing up there were lots of children games that send the message of getting married and having a family. One that stands out to me is a skipping rope game *upstairs downstairs underneath the toilet* each round you would have list of things you desire to happen to you in the future. Eg, first round you would present a list of names of the people you would want to marry, and as you jump rope these names are repeated and once you "out" (rope gets tangled with feet), the name it stops on that’s your future spouse. Other rounds are more things you desire from your future partner. These games were focused on what you look for in someone, none I recall was designed for you to prepare yourself for that someone.

The quest for an ideal partner invariably begins with a long look inward. You can practice communication techniques, make endless lists of the characteristics you look for in a partner, but until you’re willing to work on yourself and be the person you hope to, the chances are good that you’ll remain unsatisfied in practically any relationship. 

I hear persons say when we are on the subject of “what is it that you want in a partner”, “what are you looking for in a partner”, “who would be the perfect partner for you”.
Be the person you want to find, I would like to ask are you being the person they are looking for, hoping for, praying for, and desperately asking GOD for?  If not it’s time to clean house.Ask yourself: How can I make myself better? Am I complete or a work in progress? Am I being the person I want to find? How can we make each other better, instead of how can he/she make me better? Through prayer, work on you and focus less on what you want from him/she.

     There is an acceptance that you don’t need a partner to be complete. Your “other half” is NOT! Missing. Your life is not of any less value because you are not yet married. It’s in marriage; I have come to learn this. It’s dangerous to think your partner will complete you. If he/she falls short in “completing” any area of your life you expect, you will be greatly disappointed, and too much pressure is on the other person to make you happy. With prayer and faith you will become content with this stage of life, and come to recognize and accept that a partner is not needed to make you complete or even make you happy.

You don’t just sit and wait on the Lord, and think that your life will begin after finding a spouse. Make yourself date-able by working on your career; work on your finances, start saving, get closer to God through studying His words. An advantage of being single is having more time to spend with the Lord, and to work full time in ministry

Saturday, 8 November 2014

What I Miss About Being Single

Every stage of life has its pros and cons. Example, going through high school as a full time student my major responsibility was taking home good grades. No bills to pay etc. The con, it came with its share of pressure to get those “A” grades. As I recall conversations with singles friends; I conclude they are missing out on a very special stage in life, by focusing way too much time on finding a partner. Since I got married young, I look at the lives of my single friends and at times I get jealous. Here are two things I miss greatly about being single.

I Miss My Friends

Girls Night Out

Yes I went to an all-girls high school (St. Hughs), but I preferred my male friends. That’s all we were friends! I could chill with them and girl watch *smile*. I was used a lot to get a girl’s number, best believe I used them too for numbers. I missed the calls to come have lunch and chill. Since I got married these friendships are just not the same. In respect for my marriage, my time with them is limited to social media “hail ups.”

My girlfriends have forgotten I have a social life not limited to my spouse and children. I don’t get invited to impromptu girls’ night out. I often hear “…because you have to go home to your husband,” for not getting the invite. So, I just live vicariously through their pictures, (sad, but true). I will just continue to comment asking, “Where was my invite?” until they get it that my social life is not restricted to my household only.
I think I will start doing the inviting; schedule friends in, since spontaneous nights for pizza is less likely. After all, friendship is two sided right?

I Miss Alone Time

Alone Time

To get alone time, I now have to wait until everybody is a sleep at nights, or waking up earlier than everybody else, to be alone with my thoughts. I love my husband and children dearly, but sometimes I wish I could close my eyes and disappear for even just half hour. No “where is my shoes?” “Mommy me hungry” and never ending cries.

I appreciate the time I get when he takes them to grandma’s house, but the time is spent getting chores done. Not to sit and do whatever I want (put my feet up).In my singleness I never realized how valuable quiet time was. I wish I spent more time in the words of God. Now I am tired and not as focused during late night readings; it’s a daily struggle finding the right time to be with my Lord. 

Singles are so blessed with the privilege of more free time to fall in love over and over again with the Lord. I pray for my single friends that they are using this time wisely.
There is so much more I miss about being single. But these two are at the top of my list. Because of all the other things I miss, I believe something can be done to improve these areas. Being single is awesome! So does having a family. The secret is being content and staying happy in the stage you’re at.

Friday, 24 October 2014

It’s My Birthday!!!!

I was always big on celebrating my birthday; from as far back as I can remember.  I made a huge deal over it, threw hints or be very straight forward about the gifts I would like. I try to do something different with my hair, buy two new outfits, one for going out on my birthday, and one for church.  Since I got married; it dawned on me that my birthday celebrations will need some adjusting, as my husband views birthdays as “just another ordinary day!” can you imagine? These are just some reasons I celebrate my birthday with confetti and drums. I am slowing dragging him to celebrate his birthday just as loud.
Age 26 2014  Wined and Dined by the Hubby 

   I am Alive!
I have lived to see another year!! This reason is definitely my number one. Celebrating my birthday is absolutely much better than celebrating my death. Yes, even in death I would want a huge celebration.
Age 22, Pirate themes boat trip

   I Grow in Wisdom
I have one grey hair on my leg to prove it! I no longer make the same mistakes in my teen years or early twenties. I look forward to all the life lessons before me.
Age 21, Glamour Shot Photo Shoot

 More Accomplishments
As I got older the more I accomplished. Looking back, I know for sure I have not done my best in all things. But I am very proud of myself for completing. At my age, I have a Bachelor’s Degree; I wear the hat of wife, mother and entrepreneur. I see myself in the future still wearing these hats, but wearing them with more sophistication.
Age 20, What did I do this year? 

  More Time to Love
Having a partner to love another year is awesome! Hugging my children and loving them every day is wonderful! Another birthday means more opportunity to say I love you and prove it.
Age 19, lol Guess I love the Photo Studio 

Another year was granted to reflect on how merciful my God has been to me. I see my countless blessings, and I am GRATEFUL. My journey is really appreciated because of the miles I put in. I plan to burn the tires out on life by creating more memorable moments.

I would like to thank everyone who has taken part in the celebration of my birthdays so far. My Family, Mother (Annie, Marlo ), Father ( Devon ), Aunt (Marvette),  Aunt ( Nicolette), Sister (Shandece). My Husband of course Mallor. 

My Friends. Oneisha, long distance but she sure does make her mark on all my birthdays. Love you girly, lots lots. Stephi-Ann, Kerry-Ann, and Carene. Thanks ladies for the part 2 of my recent birthday celebrations. Duklon! Guess this is another thank you? Marlon, I cannot leave you out of this one, Merci.  I really hope I didn't miss anyone. Thank you, thank you!

Thursday, 16 October 2014

Confessions of a Blogging Wife

I started blogging relationship topics in 2012, almost a year after getting married. My aim was to allow myself to think the topics through thoroughly; so I can improve my own marriage, and maybe help another couples in the process. My first confession, somewhere along the course of writing, I secretly thought I was a relationship guru. This hit me after realizing I was commenting on most relationship related Facebook statuses.

After really listening to my husband the other night, the sad reality really drove home. I was NO relationship guru; in fact if I don’t make changes soon, my marriage might end in divorce.  So I am putting this blog out there, as a reminder to myself.  Yes, while he needs to change some things, I forgot I need to make changes too.

I Communicate Poorly

Even though I have blogged about the importance of communication in relationships, I guess it was meant for everybody else and not for me. I pledge from this day forth that if something is wrong I will say it. I will stop dropping hints, expecting his “clairvoyant super powers” will figure it out. I need to remember to watch my tone when I speak to him. He should not feel he is about to dive in deep waters, if he needs to talk to me about something that bothers him.

I have Difficulty Picking my Battles

I accept now that not all issues are worthy of a fight. If I continue to fight about every minor thing, I might jeopardize my chances of him listening, when major ones arise.  Picking unnecessary fights is not becoming of a professed relationship guru.

I Don’t Criticize Constructively

If I don’t get my act together my relationship can die. My way is not always the correct way. So, if he does something differently I will let him. As long as what should get done, gets done. I must also remember to keep my emotions under control. Criticizing with tears still doesn’t change the fact that my way is not the only way.   If I continuously undermine his way of doing things, maybe eventually he won’t do them at all.

I have a bad habit of pointing out what he is doing wrong and almost completely forgetting to praise him for the things he does right. I can only imagine at this point how much happier he will be around me if I made this change. HHMMMM, will he be more willing to listen to me? One thing I know for sure being a nagging wife is not cute, not cute at all.  

It’s Hard to Accept that Children Changed our Relationship.

I love my children dearly, no doubt about that! But I find myself looking back in the past at our relationship before them. I have not accepted that these loves changed the relationship dynamics. My eyes can only see how they changed the relationship for the worse. Seeing that my “Love Language” is quality time, I find myself getting jealous at times when they take up so much of my alone time with my husband. From this day forth, I will pray more about this issue. My prayer would be to accept this change, and that we will find new ways to make our relationship thrive.

Confessions are never easy. But after putting these issues down on paper, I feel much lighter. I guess the phrase “confession is good for the soul” has some truth to it. 


Monday, 13 October 2014

Never Fall In Love

Love, what really is this love thing? Please don't let me try to explain it. It’s so complicated and has many corners, edges and sides to this tiny word. After you have concluded on your definition of love; it’s time to be able to recognize the type of people you should never fall in love with. Declaimer; I don’t profess to be a love Guru, as I am still trying to figure stuff out. However, if you vision yourself in a long term relationship and desire getting married someday, don’t fall in love with these kinds of people.

The Non-Committed

It’s difficult to grow in a relationship if one or both partners are afraid of committing to the relationship. They have all the excuses you can think of. Example, too busy working and building a career that they don’t have time for love. They might even have their eyes wide open, to continue the pursuit of a more compatible partner. If you are big on marriage because of religious or other reasons, do not hang on to the relationship if this partner makes it clear they have no intention of getting married, as they don’t see its relevance. Staying in a non-committed relationship hoping they will have a change of heart is a waste of time.

The Taken/Married

I can give you several reasons why you should never fall in love with someone who is already in a relationship. You’ll find yourself trying very hard to come across as the perfect partner, keeping hope alive that he/she will eventually leave, and you now become the couple everyone envies. As a precautionary measure, lodge this to memory, if he/she has cheated with you, I can almost guarantee that you will constantly worry if your partner is cheating if you become the new partner. Building a relationship on lack of trust is a disaster waiting to happen. 

The Busy Bumble Bee

Self-explanatory? This person is always “working, working, working!” or is caught up too much in a hobby. This person has no time for you, and when you do get some time together it’s very miniscule. You convince yourself that the situation will change soon. While you patiently wait, there will be many times of loneliness. Definitely really question where your relationship is going; if after more than 6 months, no meeting of the parents was arrange because of the busy spell. Years will pass you by waiting on quality time together, time that could be invested in someone else who is not too busy for you.

I certainly have not stated all types of persons you should never fall in love with.  I will just leave this passage of Scripture with you as a guide. James 1:5. “If any of you lacks wisdom, you should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to you.” NIV 


Thursday, 2 October 2014

Dress up your Media Sharing!

Social media is a great platform for self-expression.  I get that how I express myself, might not be how you express yourself. But I am almost sure there are some things we just should not do. One of these don’ts I like to lament on is sharing semi-nude and nude pictures.
This week I am going to rant a little. Please feel free to whip me with the rod of correction if I am misled. I find sharing semi-nude and nude pictures disturbing and ridiculous! Though you might see women “butt posing,” men are just as thirsty for what I deem “negative attention.”Did social media really destroy our self –respect?

Please fill me in on when did it become custom to upload semi-naked photos just for likes and comment of flattery!? Where did our self-respect or self-esteem go? Believe me that this kind of attention from strangers is not very important. Not important at all! Do not let comments and likes be the means of telling you what you are worth.

I surmise that you might just be capitalizing on your natural animalistic nature, with the need of getting a potential partner to look in your direction. There is the great (too great), of a need to be the one they pick from the plethora of options out there. But have you stopped to tap into your humanness and ask yourself, just what kind of partner I am attracting? Let me clue you in. You are attracting a partner whose mind is more focused on physical attraction than what you have to offer as a whole person. This potential partner is so blinded by that ass it will be hard to see you as anything more than a sexual partner.

Let their minds go on overdrive trying to picture what you look like without clothes on. Real men and women worth marrying won’t feel the need to do this anyways. Life-time partners will spend the time undressing your intellect and engage you with conversations that are uplifting; they will challenge you to be a better you. 

If you are married, why, why, why, why??!! are you letting strange eyes see what is reserved only for your partner? If you want to take such pictures you and your partner have fun with it. *smile* let your partner take a few on the business trip to remind him/her what is home waiting.

How I see it, ideal attractiveness will always be a target that’s moving. It will NEVER be hit. While physical attraction will not go unnoticed when looking for a partner, sell your mind, your gifts and talents, conversations others things of substance. Whatever your physique, might suddenly becomes what they are attracted to, if you put these attributes out.