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Monday, 17 September 2012

Are you in a Rebound Relationship?

Let me not assume we all have heard about a rebound relationship. Very quickly this kind of relationship comes very soon after another serious relationship. It is rear to find rebound relationships basing on love; instead they are really a means of alleviating loneliness after the relationship has ended. This rebound phenomenon happens even if you wanted to see an end to the previous relationship.

Yes, it will feel a lot like love; this is in my opinion because you want that feeling of being in love. The feeling of love is something you are accustomed to and you hurry into another relationship because you want to feel love again. I am no expert but from what I have observed and experienced personally this is the case. In reality you are not in love, you are just missing your previous relationship. It is also my opinion that this missing your previous relationship does not necessarily means you want your old partner back, you just want to be involved in a relationship, and when on the rebound this somebody could be just about anybody.

Rebounding usually hurts one partner most, and that is the partner that has genuine feelings for the other. They get deeply hurt after the rebounder finally realizes they were not in love after all. The harsh reality is that you will never be ready for a new relationship if you are not fully over your previous lost. New relationships cannot survive if old wounds have not been properly healed.

How can you judge “enough time” before starting a new relationship? Is there a way to prevent a relationship that is rebound-based? These require very complex answers I believe. Since I am no relationship gurus, this is what I understand. There is really no specific time period. Therefore it is really difficult to protect yourself from a rebound. However, from my understanding there are signs to look out for that you are not over your previous relationship. My top two are:
1.     If your issues from your previous relationship are interfering with a new relationship process. If this is happening, it is clear you are not ready to move on again.
2.     If issues are left unresolved, eg. You are not too clear on why your relationship ended; you are in a rebound relationship.
Therefore, you cannot have a healthy new relationship if you are embracing feelings of an old love or desperately longing to be in a relationship. Love is not something that can be forced on a whim, it must genuinely be found. But it can only happen when your minds and hearts are free from the hurt, issues and hang ups of the previous 

Thursday, 13 September 2012

In-Laws Ruining My Marriage (Part 2)

If you have plans to stay committed to your spouse fortunately or unfortunately you’re stuck with your extended family “the in-laws” also.

In your attempt in making this new family relationship work take the following points into consideration. They may or may not be expert advice but they are from the view point of being in the situation and have learnt and still learning from the experience.

v  When you enter a marriage you are starting your own family, therefore there can be no shared loyalties. Your primary loyalty is to your marriage.
v  Set boundaries. Yes your in-laws are “neighbours” but there needs to be a high and strong fence so that they are only invited in when they are welcomed.
v  You are equipped with so much and no more emotional and physical energy. If you find that your in-laws are draining too much of your energy, maybe it is time to build a stronger fence. Keep in mind you are not blocking them out you are focusing on what’s more important, your marriage.
v  Once these boundaries are agreed on by the couple, talk to the in-laws about them. Trust me, they are not so fragile.
v  In almost every man’s life the other woman is his mother. Your husband might be the type that starts his sentences like this “my mother does a particular thing this way.” If you are hearing this way too many times maybe now is the time to tell him he is free to go and live with her (permanently). Sorry but there is no mild way of saying this.
v  If your partner has an issue with the in-law it is for you to fix the problem. The primary person with the relationship. Your spouse should not be the messenger to your parents. However, maybe you need to step in and talk to the in-laws yourself if your spouse is delaying to fix the problem for too long.
v  Converse with your partner what role you expect your in-laws to play. It is not wise to assume you’re both on the same page.
v  I have learnt the hard way that criticizing the relationship your spouse has with his/her parents may lead to more complications or clinginess. So, avoid criticizing his/her parents
v  At the forefront of your mind should be this, if it is only when your frustrated, angry or having marital problems you run to the parents, that is what they will hear, they won’t hear when improvements have been made and you have made up. When you do this awful thing your spouse is only seen as the villain. Therefore keep your issues within your marriage between you two.
v  And a very important point, if your spouse’s parents do not have the kind of relationship you can emulate, it is foolish seeking any relationship advice from them. Even if they have been together for many years. If you need external advice seek council from Marriage books, marriage counselors or a married couple who in your eyes view is enjoying a happy marriage.  
v  Stay on your knees that’s where the battles are won!!!

In-Laws Ruining My Marriage

This is a very hard topic for me to write on, my number one reason is that I still don't have a solution to this issue. However, after seeking advice from married couples in this marriage "business" much longer the following tips were given. Keep in mind though that each marriage is different and each "in-law situation" But, I believe the following can help generally. 

How many in-laws does it take to destroy a marriage?" "One."

For this cause, a man shall leave his father and his mother and shall cleave to his wife, and they shall become one flesh, and the man and his wife were both naked, and they were not ashamed. Genesis 2:24-25 

The Bible clearly states that when couples decide to get married they are to leave their parents. However often times it so happens that parents have a hard time letting go. What should be done in this case? The answer is simple, you cannot force parents to let go. It is up to the couple to do the leaving. Letting go of this need of approval from parents and turn your attention to the one you are committed to and cleave. This is the only way you will be able to experience what God intends within  your marriage partnership. 

Secondly, maybe a dose of empathy could work. Putting yourself in the other person's shoes, trying to understand their actions, might be what is required to reduce in-law stresses. When you are under in-law attack with a little empathy you know they are not personally caused by you. Therefore, there is no need to feel hurt. For example, you are criticized constantly for your cooking abilities or lack thereof, among many other things, remember your in-laws feel threatened that their precious child or beloved family member is being taken away from them so finding flaws with you is their way of attempting to keep their child away from you. These criticisms are just pitiful efforts in trying to keep your spouse away from you, once you accept this you will now feel sorry for them, as you are fully aware that they feel threatened by you.  

Thirdly, and definitely not finally, is what I do, is limit my interactions with the in-laws. This is not the best method as the issues are not fixed, but it does allow me to avoid confrontations until I find out the best way to deal with my personal in-law situation.  Maybe this temporary solution will ultimately become permanent as it might very well be the best solution, until then I will keep it at a temporary fix until I have found a  better solution.   

My advice is to sit with your spouse and talk about the stresses the in-laws bring to your marriage and together find a solution that works best for the both of you. Sweeping the issue under the carpet thinking it will miraculously disappear is not logical thinking. Take the matter to the Lord and patiently wait on His reply.