Jamaicans and Homosexuality

I believe the entire world knows just how homophobic Jamaica is. This obvious fact is regularly advertised in many popular Dancehall and Reggae lyrics. Jamaicans are so homophobic that a past Prime Minister made it clear that he will not allow such “characters” in his cabinet. Taking all of this into consideration, the question still lingers - are Jamaicans really deeply committed to eradicating gays or are they just big fat hypocrites? I believe there is definitely something fishy going on here, pun intended. 

How far is too far in trying to get rid of this “disease”?  I strongly believe that it is being taken too far when our citizens are being abused.  It is common knowledge and in some cases well documented that persons have been beaten, denied a job or a promotion, forcefully evicted, targeted by the police (and security guards) for being homosexual and the list could go on.  Being Christian I am certainly not condoning the lifestyle, as it is strongly condemned in the bible (Leviticus 18:22 and Leviticus 20:13). As Christians, however, it is not for me to take judgment into my own hands since all of us will appear before the judgment seat of Christ (2 Corinthians 5:10).

In my opinion, Jamaica as a country has reached a sad and egotistical state, where persons defend this one “morality” so strongly that they do whatever it takes to uphold this standard while ignoring basically everything else. Persons go to the clubs and dance and go crazy over lyrics such as “BEFFORE ME TURN BATTYMAN (GAY) ME PREFER TURN RAPER (RAPIST).” So as a people, there is this deep passion against homosexuality that all other immorality just seems okay. The song lyrics suggest that being a rapist is a much better title than being labeled as a homosexual. The real fact of life is this, a fornicator; adulterer, thief, homosexual and the rapist will all end up in hell if their wrong doing is not made right. There is no section in hell hotter for homosexuals.

Strangely enough, I also think Jamaicans are big fat hypocrites on this very same subject matter. Not because of the unfair judgment but because of how supportive Jamaicans are of homosexuals. Yes, I said it supportive. What on earth are you talking about?  I hear you ask, but consider this , the majority of Jamaicans are fully aware that “Shebbada” a very popular comedian/actor is not the straightest nail in the toolbox, yet they go out and buy tickets for his plays and several of his shows are sold out with people demanding more. After seeing the plays they go out and buy his DVDs because they want to be able to see the plays over and over again.  As if that wasn’t enough, they also share his status updates and photos all over facebook! Now if they are not fans then I don’t know who is.

Jamaicans are also big fat hypocrites because it is pretty much okay for a woman to be homosexual but it is not for men. Personally, I have never seen a news story where lesbians are being beaten because of their lifestyle. I will go as far as to say that many  men even find their lifestyle as enticing. They get a “kick” from girl on girl action.

I am defending all round morality, we need to get to a stage as a country where just as strongly as we “bun out” (condemn) homosexuality we “bun out” all other immoral acts. Condemning adultery, fornication and child abuse is a great place to start as they are wrong according to the same bible. Ironically, the bible also says we should Not  be quick to point fingers on others before reviewing your own sinful lives. He who is without sin cast the first stone John 8:7.

Christians and "Dirty Talk"

I think most Christian couples choose not to use similar words in bed as they would with their teachers, friends etc.  A line is drawn for the type of language they use due to a number of personal choices that are influenced by many different things. There are those who when they hear an expletive (‘bad word’) in bed they are reminded of a culture they want to be separated from. However, for others, using these words is the primary source of an intense arousal.

You have those Christians who you will never hear utter a word of expletive no matter how keenly you are trying to listen. But, you might be shocked if you should listen in on their bedroom actions, because when they are with their partners no word is taboo; since they have built a relationship of respect and trust with each other. So when their spouse tells them exactly how they are feeling and thinking sexually, whatever word is used to describe it; makes it that much hotter for them. They are not offended because they are fully aware that their partner is not saying it with any disrespect at all. Yes, they are Christians who find ‘dirty talk’ erotic. Personally as long as the words are not used out of context there won’t be any confusion. If it is that you walk around telling persons to “F-OFF” or call them derogative names stemming from body parts the feeling might be different, but if the words are only used in the bedroom you may find they bring spice to the relationship.

If you desire to start incorporating ‘dirty talk’ begin with something that has a little more edge from what you are used to. Maybe you’re usually quiet during the act; begin then with saying what you are thinking, tell your spouse what you want them to do. If usually you say “Are you up for sex tonight?” why not try “I have the hots for you now, I want you inside me.” It’s not a guarantee that all the time the words will feel right. Variety DOES offer SPICE to life. SO begin with small changes and discover what the both of you will like. Every couple’s comfort level is different, so experiment and find out what yours is.

Certain words, due to culture or personal life experiences, bring up feelings of disrespect, oppression and in turn make you feel dirty. So, if you’re uncomfortable with the words your partner uses during intercourse, speak up! On the other hand, if it is something that you WANT to try; SPEAK UP as well.

Oral sex: Good or Bad?

There are so many debates surrounding this topic. In this blog I won’t be “arguing” the topic, just stating my views and you the reader is free to comment with your own opinions on the subject.

In Jamaica as Jamaicans we tend to shy away from this topic especially in public settings. Jamaicans would agree we are an anti-oral sex country; most of our music that the public gets is negative on the subject. However, a great number of Jamaicans are involved, well in my opinion. For example, having been on several social networking sites I have gotten many many offers to be “eaten.” Many other females here in Jamaica might have this experience too. I assume that somehow these negative songs about oral sex have somehow sparked the interest of our citizens to want to try out what they might be missing. Or could it be that because it is so forbidden by social norms why actually indulging in the act makes it that much more appealing?

When I was a teen, I was attending a crusade and on the delegated night for a family life topic the evangelist touched this very same topic. He made it clear that sex was created by God. In my opinion the greatest sex and love stories are from the bible in Songs of Solomon. Read it and pray for its understanding. The following are texts from This Book of Solomon

I sat down under his shadow with great delight, and his fruit was sweet to my taste. 2:3

My beloved is mine, and I am his: he feedeth among the lilies. 2:16

Come ... blow upon my garden that the spices thereof may flow out. Let my beloved come into his garden, and eat his pleasant fruits. 4:16

"Thy navel is like a round goblet, which wanteth not liquor: thy belly is like an heap of wheat set about with lilies." 7:2

"I would cause thee to drink of spiced wine of the juice of my pomegranate." 8:2

Concerning oral sex within Christian discussions, the most cited is Song of Solomon.

Song of Solomon 2:3- says - Like an apple tree among the trees of the forest, so is my beloved among the young men. In his shade I took great delight and sat down, and his fruit was sweet to my taste. This passage refers to Fellatio and 4:16 refers to cunnilingus- … May my beloved come into his garden and eat its choice fruits!

If you continue to Solomon 5:1 you might agree with me that he encourages husband and wives to drink and eat freely from each other’s bodies. When you open the scripture and read it you will realize it portrays oral sex just as normal as eating, expressing love joyfully and passionately between woman and man.

Negatives of Oral sex

After researching somewhat extensively, I have found that just like with intercourse, there are STD’s related illnesses that come with oral sex. But, like it is with sexual intercourse, if partners are faithful to each other then getting an STD from the act is out of the question.

I will conclude by saying this, both partners should have a say with respect to adding oral sex to their sexual menu. If one partner is for it and the other is against it, then you may need to just forget about it.  On the other hand, if you are both for it then do I think Oral sex is a sin? No. But I do I think forcing your partner to engage in the act if they do not want to do it is the wrong thing to do. 

The Hypocrisies of Men

Men are going to see this title and think “another woman bitching about men,” but that is not the case, these are just observations and after reading and you put away your manly pride you will agree they are true. I on no gender’s side, go ahead read my article on The Hypocrisies of Women.

The hypocrisy of men and their freedom

For the majority of men, even the idea of committing themselves to one woman feels like a life sentence in a room with huge ants eating them alive. This hated “c-word” means to you financial devastation, sacrificing your options of varied sexual partners, loss of independence and the list could go on.

Well men women fear their loss of freedom too! We like the idea of deciding we want to go here today, use our money and buy this, stay over a friend without being questioned the next day etc. But until you are ready to commit I think you should stay away from making advances to woman. The relationship won’t work if you have so many fears. I understand that men naturally are very independent but admit it, deep down you desire love and affection from that one special person and in order to find this love you have to grow some manly balls and get over it!

The hypocrisy of men and their loss of space

I get it that you crave your “manly space” for watching action flicks, tools, cars etc. you fear that when women come around all this will change, you now have to watch some romance flicks from time to time, your  prized leather couch will have to be removed, the windows now have frilly curtains etc. But guess what guys, we women are losing our space too; you are not the only “victims” to relationships. 

Most women love shoes  we worry about where our prized collection will go when we move in. Stop acting like you sit and let women push you around, admit it, the women in your lives sometimes have to put up with action flicks and car shows too. In a relationship you win some and you lose some. We might lose our “womanly space” of staying in bed late on weekends to read a romance novel or just think about the past week and the week to come.  We have lost that space to maybe making breakfast for the men in our lives. So, stop pretending you are the only victims to loss of space, grow some manly balls and get over it!

The hypocrisy of men and their fear of only one partner

This one calls for a LOL! Men the women you are sleeping around with is an indication that they enjoy sexual freedom too don’t you think?  Sadly, gone are the days when partners get together as virgins and lose their virginity to each other in marriage. I might be rude to be speaking as if this is the case for all women, but they can disagree.  Some women have this fear too, the difference is, society dictates that women who had several sexual partners are sluts, hoes etc. and the men are praised as it shows their manhood. Therefore, women are more hush hush about their sexual encounters.

One partner for us also means getting bored, lack of desire just like men do. But women have an additional fear, not having another orgasm again! Why? because the guy they now commit to just don’t “put it on” like another guy she has been with. Men, I ask you this, was their ever a sexual encounter of yours that you didn’t orgasm? If that happens, you find the nearest doctor because you think something must be wrong. However, for women not getting an orgasm in a sexual encounter happens maybe more often than we want it to. So, man up, buy some books and get to reading and spice up your sex life with the ONE partner. And when I say this, I say it to both men and women.

Conclusion

All aspects of relationships and how to make them work can be found in the Bible! The Lord knew what would cause problems in our relationships and he made preparations for us to make them work. Open its pages and start looking; it truly will be worth your while.

Are you in a Rebound Relationship?

Let me not assume we all have heard about a rebound relationship. Very quickly this kind of relationship comes very soon after another serious relationship. It is rear to find rebound relationships basing on love; instead they are really a means of alleviating loneliness after the relationship has ended. This rebound phenomenon happens even if you wanted to see an end to the previous relationship.

Yes, it will feel a lot like love; this is in my opinion because you want that feeling of being in love. The feeling of love is something you are accustomed to and you hurry into another relationship because you want to feel love again. I am no expert but from what I have observed and experienced personally this is the case. In reality you are not in love, you are just missing your previous relationship. It is also my opinion that this missing your previous relationship does not necessarily means you want your old partner back, you just want to be involved in a relationship, and when on the rebound this somebody could be just about anybody.

Rebounding usually hurts one partner most, and that is the partner that has genuine feelings for the other. They get deeply hurt after the rebounder finally realizes they were not in love after all. The harsh reality is that you will never be ready for a new relationship if you are not fully over your previous lost. New relationships cannot survive if old wounds have not been properly healed.

How can you judge “enough time” before starting a new relationship? Is there a way to prevent a relationship that is rebound-based? These require very complex answers I believe. Since I am no relationship gurus, this is what I understand. There is really no specific time period. Therefore it is really difficult to protect yourself from a rebound. However, from my understanding there are signs to look out for that you are not over your previous relationship. My top two are:

1.     If your issues from your previous relationship are interfering with a new relationship process. If this is happening, it is clear you are not ready to move on again.

2.     If issues are left unresolved, eg. You are not too clear on why your relationship ended; you are in a rebound relationship.

Therefore, you cannot have a healthy new relationship if you are embracing feelings of an old love or desperately longing to be in a relationship. Love is not something that can be forced on a whim, it must genuinely be found. But it can only happen when your minds and hearts are free from the hurt, issues and hang ups of the previous 
relationship. 

In-Laws Ruining My Marriage (Part 2)

If you have plans to stay committed to your spouse fortunately or unfortunately you’re stuck with your extended family “the in-laws” also.

In your attempt in making this new family relationship work take the following points into consideration. They may or may not be expert advice but they are from the view point of being in the situation and have learnt and still learning from the experience.

v  When you enter a marriage you are starting your own family, therefore there can be no shared loyalties. Your primary loyalty is to your marriage.

v  Set boundaries. Yes your in-laws are “neighbours” but there needs to be a high and strong fence so that they are only invited in when they are welcomed.

v  You are equipped with so much and no more emotional and physical energy. If you find that your in-laws are draining too much of your energy, maybe it is time to build a stronger fence. Keep in mind you are not blocking them out you are focusing on what’s more important, your marriage.

v  Once these boundaries are agreed on by the couple, talk to the in-laws about them. Trust me, they are not so fragile.

v  In almost every man’s life the other woman is his mother. Your husband might be the type that starts his sentences like this “my mother does a particular thing this way.” If you are hearing this way too many times maybe now is the time to tell him he is free to go and live with her (permanently). Sorry but there is no mild way of saying this.

v  If your partner has an issue with the in-law it is for you to fix the problem. The primary person with the relationship. Your spouse should not be the messenger to your parents. However, maybe you need to step in and talk to the in-laws yourself if your spouse is delaying to fix the problem for too long.

v  Converse with your partner what role you expect your in-laws to play. It is not wise to assume you’re both on the same page.

v  I have learnt the hard way that criticizing the relationship your spouse has with his/her parents may lead to more complications or clinginess. So, avoid criticizing his/her parents

v  At the forefront of your mind should be this, if it is only when your frustrated, angry or having marital problems you run to the parents, that is what they will hear, they won’t hear when improvements have been made and you have made up. When you do this awful thing your spouse is only seen as the villain. Therefore keep your issues within your marriage between you two.

v  And a very important point, if your spouse’s parents do not have the kind of relationship you can emulate, it is foolish seeking any relationship advice from them. Even if they have been together for many years. If you need external advice seek council from Marriage books, marriage counselors or a married couple who in your eyes view is enjoying a happy marriage.  

v  Stay on your knees that’s where the battles are won!!!

In-Laws Ruining My Marriage

This is a very hard topic for me to write on, my number one reason is that I still don't have a solution to this issue. However, after seeking advice from married couples in this marriage "business" much longer the following tips were given. Keep in mind though that each marriage is different and each "in-law situation" But, I believe the following can help generally. 

How many in-laws does it take to destroy a marriage?" "One."

For this cause, a man shall leave his father and his mother and shall cleave to his wife, and they shall become one flesh, and the man and his wife were both naked, and they were not ashamed. Genesis 2:24-25 
The Bible clearly states that when couples decide to get married they are to leave their parents. However often times it so happens that parents have a hard time letting go. What should be done in this case? The answer is simple, you cannot force parents to let go. It is up to the couple to do the leaving. Letting go of this need of approval from parents and turn your attention to the one you are committed to and cleave. This is the only way you will be able to experience what God intends within  your marriage partnership. 

Secondly, maybe a dose of empathy could work. Putting yourself in the other person's shoes, trying to understand their actions, might be what is required to reduce in-law stresses. When you are under in-law attack with a little empathy you know they are not personally caused by you. Therefore, there is no need to feel hurt. For example, you are criticized constantly for your cooking abilities or lack thereof, among many other things, remember your in-laws feel threatened that their precious child or beloved family member is being taken away from them so finding flaws with you is their way of attempting to keep their child away from you. These criticisms are just pitiful efforts in trying to keep your spouse away from you, once you accept this you will now feel sorry for them, as you are fully aware that they feel threatened by you.  

Thirdly, and definitely not finally, is what I do, is limit my interactions with the in-laws. This is not the best method as the issues are not fixed, but it does allow me to avoid confrontations until I find out the best way to deal with my personal in-law situation.  Maybe this temporary solution will ultimately become permanent as it might very well be the best solution, until then I will keep it at a temporary fix until I have found a  better solution.   

My advice is to sit with your spouse and talk about the stresses the in-laws bring to your marriage and together find a solution that works best for the both of you. Sweeping the issue under the carpet thinking it will miraculously disappear is not logical thinking. Take the matter to the Lord and patiently wait on His reply. 

Your Spouse Comes First NOT the Children

I have heard that the most significant relationship in a person’s life is the one they have with their spouse and NOT the children. Personally I believe this is true, and I know many will disagree but the relationship I have with my spouse comes first, the child(dren) comes next.

If have a happy successful marriage, the children will learn a valuable lesson and move on to forging their own lives, the marriage is here to stay and should last till death do us part. The marriage relationship nurtures growth and depth that no other earthly relationship can. Outside the basic necessity, of food, clothing, shelter and loving my child, your spouse should come first! Without a healthy marriage between you and your partner, you can’t be the best parents. Remember the children will eventually leave, and if you allow the children to come first; the strength of your marriage would have been depleted. In my opinion you will feel empty after your children leaves to make their own families; and you will be left unhappy, lonely and depressed. This should not be the case, if you made a vow to your spouse at the altar.

Loving your spouse is the best way to love your children. They deserve to be brought up in a home where parents are loving and supportive of each other wholeheartedly.

When the children are old enough the children will try to come between the parents in order to get their way. If the parents are not united the children will take note, and play the parents against each other. Your children must see a strong union between their parents. I am not going to allow myself to be caught up with doing things for my children that will be at the detriment of my marriage.  Are they not enough divorces already?  Yes, many believe that marriages go and come, for the sake of my marriage I am tossing this statement out. I take my vows to my husband seriously, and since my child means the “universe” to me, I won’t let my marriage be so disposable. My children should not come from a broken home. The couple, who dedicate their lives putting the children first, will realize that after the children reaches age 18 or even older leaves to determine their own paths; the marriage will be gone too. I prefer that doesn’t happen.

Everything works out best if your marriage is grounded firmly. For me and my house, in order for a successful marriage it must be grounded firmly in Christ!

Dating Your Husband/Wife

Dating your partner shouldn't stop after you get married.  Marriage should not sentence you to grey hair, chores, nagging and a fun-less life. Keep dating; you will continue to learn about your partner while you enjoy each other’s company. Who knows, might even find reasons to fall in love will each other all over again.  Plan a date night at least once a month, there is so much to do, there are no excuses.

All you need to do is leave the house together. I am not disregarding the idea of staying home to watch a movie or bake together. Once in a while this is fine, but is should not be settled on too frequently.

My top 10 picks of activities to do together

1. Go out to dinner.
2. Discover new things in the city
3. See a movie, at the theater
4. Do a do-over of your first date!!
5. An Ice cream shop is nice too
6. Go shopping! Get something both will enjoy
7. A walk in the park
8. A trip to another country/city/parish/state to do something new
9. Romanic  picnic
10. Visit to couple’s favorite spot “lookout point”

I am open for your suggestions, share your ideas in the comment box provided. 

Is Your Husband Paying for Sex?

Many women would agree that men testosterone surpasses women about 10 times as much. They pretty much wouldn't mind having sex every day. Most women prefer not to every day, they believe there are other things to do. 

The question is, wouldn’t wives be more willing to have sex when the husband’s want if they got paid? Being paid for sex has sigma of prostitution attached to it. The husband’s in some households give their spouse money to “run” the home, if the wife is a stay at home mom; where will that extra money come from to buy other things she need?

Maybe with the paying agreement there will be less fighting. Love alone cannot keep the marriage afloat, love can’t pay the bills right?

I asked myself this question and I came up with several different answers, viewing this issue from varied angles.

Answer #1- Women are being paid by some means or the other. Being it, men investing their time, emotions and even attention to receive what they desire. Maybe there is even bartering buying gifts, men come home with a box of chocolate and some wine; almost guarantee sex later.

Answer #2- Paying for sex is not just a “stigma” in my mind it is the accurate definition. Paying for sex will cheapen your wife, and in my book you are a true bastard. This idea is wrong on many different levels.

Answer #3- Being a husband or wife is more than just playing the role of a playmate. There must be mutual understanding and respect too.  If you supposedly pay your wife for sex out of “love”, very quickly you will realize your wife is losing her respect for you.

Answer #4- The act of sex is consensual. When you pay your wife for sex, is comes across as if she this is the only way she is obligated to make her gross. Somewhat a sex slave for me since my “body” is priceless and my husband wouldn’t be able to afford sex from me. Paying for something that should be free out of love for you makes you pathetic.

Answer #5- Any women who agrees on being paid for sex in my mind is skanky, trashy and cheap. If you can only get sex from your women if she is paid, it’s simple; she doesn't love you!

Talk up Spouse

I have learnt that if you say or do positive things, positive things will return to you. To be happily engaged in a relationship there are a few things I realize that needs to be said to your spouse on a regular basis. Every day for that matter is an excellent move. Below are my top five things to say daily.

I love you

Everybody loves hearing these three simple yet very direct and powerful words. Say it with meaning, not for just saying it sake. Many believe the lie that your spouse doesn’t need to hear this, because your spouse already knows. This is not true!! Still say it, a very pleasant reminder it is.

I am so blessed to have married you!

This one sure does touch your spouse heartstrings. Let him or her know how blessed you are to be afforded the opportunity to spend the rest of your life with the one you love.

You are so handsome/beautiful

Couples that stay happily married are genuinely attracted to each other. This attraction is both physically and psychologically. When you tell your partner how attractive they are it’s a great statement of love. For me, I prefer to hear it from my husband than others.  

Seek Opinions

This demonstrates to your spouse you value his/her opinion. In life your second most trusted advisor is your spouse, God is first. Seeking the opinion of your spouse about problems shows your acknowledging their wisdom and in turn builds a bond between the couple. Well at least this is what I believe.

Point out your Spouse Strengths

I am famous for these words “oh honey you can cook for me any day!” ensure though you are pointing out a true strength. Each day try to find a new strength of your spouse to highlight.

Start these habits ASAP! These little things matters greatly in a marriage. 

Pornography in Marriage

As a wife, if I should discover that my husband is watching porn I would be disappointed, maybe even angry and I would look at him in disgust. It would be a greater issue if he enjoys watching porn more than he does having sex with me.

Many wives would agree with me that pornography viewing is degrading and insulting plus I see it as cheating too, fantasying about other women is cheating mentally. The sad part is that many husbands might not even view pornography use as being mentally unfaithful. Therefore, they won’t understand why their wives are upset.

For several couple watching porn is fine, for me it would tear my marriage apart. Pornography viewing is a real deal breaker for me.

So, I had to do some research on the issue; and I found out that pornography use has direct effect on sexual intimacy between couples. The intimacy level is decreased. I also discovered it is a type of infidelity and it reduces the relationship’s exclusivity. Both husbands and wives see the act as betrayal, because the emotions felt from offline acts are just as authentic as those felt online.  

It’s a personal belief that porn negatively influences you as an individual, and yes your relationships. Since it hurts your loved ones, it is highly likely to build a wall between the couple, driving them apart instead of bringing them closer together. 

For my marriage to be fair, healthy etc I will use my spirituality and religion to guide me on the matter.  Since it’s my choice to rely on God in this decision, pornography use in my marriage is a no no!!

I cannot agree with those who think viewing porn together as a couple is romantic. Why do I need to see another couple get intimate in order for me to feel the need to get intimate too? I am pretty sure there are several other creative options available. A slippery slope for sure!

Positive Side of Interracial Relationships

We are living in a society that’s multicultural, we cannot escape that fact.  I believe it’s an old tradition to “stick with your own kind.” Others believe this too because we are seeing significant growth in these kind of relationships. When these couples integrate the different nationalities and cultures, they are sending a clear message that enough with prejudice, racism and hate.

Interracial relationships offer persons the opportunity to experience, learn and even appreciate diverse backgrounds and cultures.  Interracial couples’ eyes will be open to the beauty of different peoples and nationalities. More significantly, people will learn the true meaning of inner beauty than being so shallow and looking only at the outer shell. This kind of relationships creates harmony between diverse races, strengthening persons, and what is learnt between this relationship enrich the couples.

I won’t argue the fact that interracial couples might have to deal with greater or even the number of challenges that regular couples might have. But it is my personal belief that overcoming these challenges in interracial relationships the couple will become stronger and even more stable.

Love is a very important in all relationships. I am very positive that an interracial couple is capable of deeply loving each other just the same as regular couples. 

Negative Side of Interracial Relationships

Yes I must admit interracial relationships have become very common recently, question is, are they actually working? A relationship is hard enough when two people from complete different backgrounds. Yes it is normal in all relationship to have many challenges. But with added challenges such as different customs and cultures, the communication barrier becomes more difficult. This results in greater misunderstandings, carrying more grief and pain to a relationship.

Not only will interracial relationships cause the individuals involved to be unhappy, it can also affect your family members. Also there might be the challenge with language barriers, limiting how harmoniously the families interact with each other. This might result in broken relationships because of unnecessary conflicts.

If the couple crossed the first bridge and they get married. Different problems will arise. The challenge of deciding which culture the child belong to, the cultural value best for the child, will your child have difficulty coping; because they are being ostracized for being mixed. This may result in your child confused about their heritage and identity.  

It is a matter we try very hard to ignore. Persons from different cultures have many challenges that will cause extra strain on a marriage/relationship. They have different lifestyles, ideas, beliefs, customs and backgrounds. Opposite might attract, however not always. 

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Surviving your First Year of Marriage

Surviving the first 12 months of marriage is almost guaranteed to be very difficult. The both of you are adjusting to living together. You have one way of doing something and your spouse has another. There will be points where the mist of lust and romance lifts, because reality has suddenly set in. The confrontations you had while dating that seemed non-existent or really unimportant have now become the main issues after marriage.  Here are some of these issues, and helpful solutions that might work.

ROLE DEFINING

Before getting married, often times couples assume their partner will carry out certain roles within the relationship; such as mechanic, housecleaner, breadwinner etc. Unfortunately, too often couples neglect to talk about these expectations because there are so over idealistic.

Solution

Make time to create a list of these household roles and negotiate as the list is being reviewed. Firstly, focus on how helpful you can be and not so much on how your spouse is not helping.

MONEY PROBLEMS

This is an extremely sensitive topic and couple’s need to align their attitudes in line with household financing. If couples don’t do this they will end up spending their money irresponsibly and carelessly. And in worse case scenarios end up blaming their partner for the financial mishaps since couples are on different pages when it comes to money handling.  

Solution

Values should be defined. Find out what both of you care more about, and spend the money wisely on that. Like entertainment, vacations, spirituality, bills etc. As soon as this is laid on the table; a budget will be easier to come by.

IN-LAW

Yes, I said it. When you get married boundaries must be defined, and if you are fully committed to starting a new life with your parent; you have to cut the umbilical cord. The difficulty often lies most with parents; they are marrying off their beloved children and are finding unique ways to stay connected. This connection disrupts the marriage.

Solution

You need to discuss how much parental inference you can handle. Respect the boundaries and each child should communicate this message to their personal family.

IEISURE TIME

During courtship, it was easy to find something to do together and the time spend would be fun and pleasurable. But after courtship, how couples spend time together could become a conflict source.

Solution

In marriage it is a fact that your spouse has individual wants and needs and this should be respected. Don’t be selfish by doing an activity you like best all the time, so strike a balance. When you do this you’re appreciating your partner’s uniqueness. When you are doing something you don’t particularly like, don’t view it in a negative light. Think of the activity as quality time being spent together and not focus on the activity itself. Go back to the basics of dating, when it wasn't an issue what you so as long as it’s done together.

The Perfect Number is Still Seven!

A lot of us need relationship Doctors, (smile) but many of us can’t afford this. So what better way to get advice than from those who have been there? After conversations with those married couples in my closer circle, I have come to realize that the perfect number is still SEVEN! Below are seven features I found that are common in these healthy relationships.
       1)  Love

Love is what brought us into marriage, it must still be there throughout the relationship and when one leaves the other to the grave, the love you shared should be there as comfort. Knowing you experienced true love.

2)      Respect

Avoid talking to each other as if you’re the boss, or you’re the parent and the other spouse is the child. Your spouse won’t respond well with this bossy tone of voice.

3)       Sex

Sex, sex, sex! Doesn’t matter how many years you have been together, the amount of children you have, or how much work you have to do, there should always be time for sex. It brings couples together and keeps them together. Don’t waste time just waiting for it to happen, plan for it and make it happen.

4)       Truth

Sometimes it’s hard to tell the truth, if you had made a mistake admit it.  It’s not about mistakes only; if your spouse has bad breath or maybe looks awful in an outfit tell him/her. You wouldn’t want someone else doing it for you

5)      Together and Separate Lives

In a relationship your lives collide, two separate personalities coming together. However, your individuality must be maintained. So there must be a balance between being together and being who you are.

6)      Communication

Say it!! State your issues, state how you would love to be loved, in the bed room say how you want it. Hope you get the point.

7)      Forgive

Nobody is perfect, so if your spouse should make a mistake don’t hold a grudge against him/her. It’s childish not talking to each other because of a minor issue when you can simply forgive and move on. He/she didn’t get to the dishes as quickly as you expected/desired, COMMUNICATE your disappointment with LOVE and respect!

Sex and Marriage

It is true that financial problems end the majority of marriages today, but we cannot overlook sexuality and sex is high in the ranking too. I am very positive the experts will agree.

There is a common saying that says “Good lovers are made, not born.”  Therefore, you should not expect your married sexual relationship to happen overnight. Firstly, communication is excellent in solving all problems in a relationship, and it also helps in the married bed. It doesn’t matter if you’re an elderly couple, youthful couple, newlyweds or longer married couple.

When to Discuss Things

Refrain from discussing sexual issues as “pillow talk” conversations.  Keep the sexual negativity outside of the bed. The bed is for fixing the problem after finding the solution. (Smile)

If there is a need to discuss sexual issues, state the problem and do NOT point the blame finger to your spouse.  Set an appropriate time to find solutions to your sexual intimacy. You can even make it a date; discuss it over a glass of non-alcoholic wine.

If you buy sex advice books and don’t discuss it with your spouse beforehand, you’re setting yourself up for creating more issues. You might give the impression you’re blaming your spouse.

Be open to discussing your concerns, fantasies, desires, fears etc. and do so honestly! Remember too not to forget to talk about your likes and dislikes sexually.

I believe that they are different moods and styles of sex.  

The spiritual: Where you are united in soul, body and mind, reflecting your deepest gratitude of being together. This can be accomplished by simply noticing the small instants within your lives.

Angry: Making love even though you are mad at each other. It can really be healing. However, ensure you eventually discuss the problems and have them resolved.

Comical: Have fun laughing and teasing each other in bed.

Tender: Being gentle and romantic, the style of sex that involves candles, light touches, massage oils etc. Ministering to each other how thoughtful God is to have created sex for the married bed.

Lusty: Having sex just because you can! This also includes those quickies!

Married sex is a gift, one that should be shared between the married couple and must be nurtured. 

I Want My Ex Back!!

It might seem like a very small point to many, but when you’re trying to get your ex back it’s really crucial. We need to remember that though we might have some conscious choices attraction and love is not one of them. To say differently, in order to connect romantically with someone the emotional connection has to be genuine. But, the attraction or connection is found on many different levels. Without this connection it is going to be close to impossible to convince your ex you should be back in a relationship. It does happen, but typically it’s not sincere so it won’t work out. The other party often agrees to get back together because he or she has a guilty conscience. Don’t do this! You are only fooling yourself, getting back together is not your road to happiness. You are going to have to do too much to get your ex back, it easier if a genuine attraction is created. But if it wasn’t there to begin with just forget about trying. If your master plan is to beg get rid of that idea also. Not worth it, the relationship will end pretty soon after anyways. Don’t let your emotional side take control. It is this struggle you are having with your emotions that’s causing you to feel so anxious about getting your ex back. Get up off your Knees and stop begging! Accept what your ex-partner decides to do. Let him or her go, your ex will come back freely if there was a genuine connection. Don’t get too worked up over your broken relationship, a lot of persons are out there going through this emotional journey. Like many before them and those that will after, getting over your ex is extremely possible.

The Hypocrisy of Women

The Hypocrisy of Women

Women often times think they should always be praised or pampered and our male counter-parts must always be willing to climb those “rocks” for us if that’s what makes us happy. Don’t get me wrong we deserve it! However, we must be willing to climb those rocks too. If he is loving enough to give you a foot massage be willing to give one back, it’s not a “tit for tat” contract but it is at least an agreement to make each other happy!

Some of us complain that men change after the chase, no longer as sweet as they used to be. The “love text messages” have stopped and no longer do you get a phone call from your man just to say I love you. Have you stopped to consider that maybe the men in our lives feel as if they are giving too much and not getting anything in return?  Did he stop sending those text messages because the last couple you didn’t reply to them like you used to?

We women complain so much about our failed relationships and how the wrong guys always show up in our lives. Words of advice don’t complain about the failed ones; use the experience to enhance your new one. For the love of yourself, stop sit and wait for your “perfect” guy to find you. Maybe you need to consider dropping your pride and go out to find him.  Or is it that our “perfect” guy DID find us but we were so caught up with our past relationships’ baggage and we lost him?

To conclude, stop pointing fingers or complain about the problems, instead spend some time to think about them. Ask yourself these questions, where did they start from? Am I the root of the problem? Then when you have found the source of the problem be the solution.

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Are You Who They Think You Are?

Often times both men and women don't give the impression that we want to be truly loved for who we really are. We go in search of "the partner of our dreams" The question is do you have the qualities to be the partner of someone else' s dream. Women typically flaunt their body, too many women expose so much they leave nothing to the imagination. While men usually use for example their cars to attract us women. The problem is men and women cast out their baits to reel in the opposite sex, but the wrong baits are being used. 

If you want to be loved for who you are as a person you must first consider stripping yourself of the excessive sex appeal and cut back greatly on using material things to attract the opposite sex. Let your personality and character outshine everything else. After all if the situation should arrive and you loose your sex appeal and the material things go up in flames, it would be very nice to have those you love still there by your side no matter what. 

We need to put all our "sides" out there. The exciting and fun you, and the jealous must have things our way side too. It's my personal belief that we lie when we purposefully hold some sides of us because we believe it is not attractive to the opposite sex. As humans it is natural that some sides of us only comes out when we are in specific situations, as such naturally all our sides won't come out all at once. So date as much as possible, at different places, different activities etc. so that we can learn a lot about each other before getting too serious. It would be sad, that after a month of being married you find out that your spouse will flip a table over because he or she lost a game you two were playing. So spread the activities you do together in as many situations as possible, it will only do your future relationship together good. If you lie during dating you are setting yourself up to not being truly loved because your partner is not loving the true you.