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Thursday, 13 September 2012

In-Laws Ruining My Marriage (Part 2)

If you have plans to stay committed to your spouse fortunately or unfortunately you’re stuck with your extended family “the in-laws” also.

In your attempt in making this new family relationship work take the following points into consideration. They may or may not be expert advice but they are from the view point of being in the situation and have learnt and still learning from the experience.

v  When you enter a marriage you are starting your own family, therefore there can be no shared loyalties. Your primary loyalty is to your marriage.
v  Set boundaries. Yes your in-laws are “neighbours” but there needs to be a high and strong fence so that they are only invited in when they are welcomed.
v  You are equipped with so much and no more emotional and physical energy. If you find that your in-laws are draining too much of your energy, maybe it is time to build a stronger fence. Keep in mind you are not blocking them out you are focusing on what’s more important, your marriage.
v  Once these boundaries are agreed on by the couple, talk to the in-laws about them. Trust me, they are not so fragile.
v  In almost every man’s life the other woman is his mother. Your husband might be the type that starts his sentences like this “my mother does a particular thing this way.” If you are hearing this way too many times maybe now is the time to tell him he is free to go and live with her (permanently). Sorry but there is no mild way of saying this.
v  If your partner has an issue with the in-law it is for you to fix the problem. The primary person with the relationship. Your spouse should not be the messenger to your parents. However, maybe you need to step in and talk to the in-laws yourself if your spouse is delaying to fix the problem for too long.
v  Converse with your partner what role you expect your in-laws to play. It is not wise to assume you’re both on the same page.
v  I have learnt the hard way that criticizing the relationship your spouse has with his/her parents may lead to more complications or clinginess. So, avoid criticizing his/her parents
v  At the forefront of your mind should be this, if it is only when your frustrated, angry or having marital problems you run to the parents, that is what they will hear, they won’t hear when improvements have been made and you have made up. When you do this awful thing your spouse is only seen as the villain. Therefore keep your issues within your marriage between you two.
v  And a very important point, if your spouse’s parents do not have the kind of relationship you can emulate, it is foolish seeking any relationship advice from them. Even if they have been together for many years. If you need external advice seek council from Marriage books, marriage counselors or a married couple who in your eyes view is enjoying a happy marriage.  
v  Stay on your knees that’s where the battles are won!!!