If you have plans to stay committed to your spouse
fortunately or unfortunately you’re stuck with your extended family “the
in-laws” also.
In your attempt in making this new family relationship work
take the following points into consideration. They may or may not be expert
advice but they are from the view point of being in the situation and have
learnt and still learning from the experience.
v When you
enter a marriage you are starting your own family, therefore there can be no
shared loyalties. Your primary loyalty is to your marriage.
v Set boundaries.
Yes your in-laws are “neighbours” but there needs to be a high and strong fence
so that they are only invited in when they are welcomed.
v You are
equipped with so much and no more emotional and physical energy. If you find
that your in-laws are draining too much of your energy, maybe it is time to
build a stronger fence. Keep in mind you are not blocking them out you are
focusing on what’s more important, your marriage.
v Once
these boundaries are agreed on by the couple, talk to the in-laws about them.
Trust me, they are not so fragile.
v In almost
every man’s life the other woman is his mother. Your husband might be the type
that starts his sentences like this “my mother does a particular thing this way.”
If you are hearing this way too many times maybe now is the time to tell him he
is free to go and live with her (permanently). Sorry but there is no mild way
of saying this.
v If your
partner has an issue with the in-law it is for you to fix the problem. The
primary person with the relationship. Your spouse should not be the messenger
to your parents. However, maybe you need to step in and talk to the in-laws
yourself if your spouse is delaying to fix the problem for too long.
v Converse
with your partner what role you expect your in-laws to play. It is not wise to
assume you’re both on the same page.
v I have
learnt the hard way that criticizing the relationship your spouse has with
his/her parents may lead to more complications or clinginess. So, avoid
criticizing his/her parents
v At the
forefront of your mind should be this, if it is only when your frustrated, angry
or having marital problems you run to the parents, that is what they will hear,
they won’t hear when improvements have been made and you have made up. When you
do this awful thing your spouse is only seen as the villain. Therefore keep
your issues within your marriage between you two.
v And a
very important point, if your spouse’s parents do not have the kind of
relationship you can emulate, it is foolish seeking any relationship advice
from them. Even if they have been together for many years. If you need external
advice seek council from Marriage books, marriage counselors or a married
couple who in your eyes view is enjoying a happy marriage.
v Stay on
your knees that’s where the battles are won!!!
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